Hello everyone! It's so nice to meet and exchange IELTS ideas with you all. I am just a new EF member and i will so appreciate with your help to indicate all errors in my following IELTS essay. Furthermore, i will be so grateful if you can assess my essay and give me a corresponding band score for my IELTS essay. Thanks anyway :)
Topic: These days, it seems that an increasing number of people are leaving rural areas to live in the city.
Discuss some of the effects of rural depopulation(migration from the country to the city ) and suggest some ways on which this trend could be reserved.
While lives in the rural areas were once considered to be vibrant positions in terms of a vast majority of traditionally cultural activities, in contemporary time is the increasingly massive influx of citizens relocating from those remote corners of the country to the municipal places. In my essay, I would analyse certain impacts of this trend with regards to social problems and environmental degradation, following corresponding solutions to such urgent matter.
As for the principal influences stemming from uncontrolled migration, I would contend that both society and environment of the two most obvious subsequences have constituted disturbances among the public. Due to inevitably rural depopulation, similar to urban population explosion, series of municipal dwellers are prone to the state of unemployment resulting from the shortage of job vacancies. Another point of social problems set an example by Chinese inhabitants is the fact that contrary to the affluent living standard of cities, those who determine to settle in their hometown are frequently suffering from the huge inequality concerning wages and old-age pensions compared to townspeople, which contributes to the class disparity. What is more, as a result of the urbanisation and industry revolution, the tide of immigrants is leading to the repeated depletion of pure breathing air and water, giving a rise to environmental degradation.
With a view to addressing this matter, I recommend that attainable modifications must be taken mainly by the local government and authorities. The priority of all solutions is to provide financial incentives for domestic and international companies or businesses to invest by far more into the rural areas. Thus, a considerable variety of citizens will be appealed by the sustainable occupations resulting in affording their lives. Meanwhile, what following step should be enforced is imposing further taxes on urban services and space occupation, combined with the promotion and salary increase in the rural workplace. In addition, employees need to be offered health insurance or pension scheme for free charges as Vietnamese authority did for the sake of countryside settlement. I am convinced that with the available supply of essential services and investigation, many inhabitants will definitely take preference for settling in their hometown.
To conclude, I restate that such uncontrolled flood of immigrants leading to the municipal overpopulation has to be stemmed for the sake of class disparity and our ecosystem. Regardless of such insurmountable matter, I affirm that to certain extent through the government's concerted efforts and responsibilities is the most sufficient solution to the problem.
... in terms of a vast majority of traditionally cultural activities, in contemporary time is the increasingly massive influx of citizens relocating from those remote corners of the country to the municipal places.
The second part of the sentence doesn't make sense
But other than that, this essay is very well written!
Hi Nguyen, I would like to try to assess you based on IELTS writing band descriptor of task 2. You can see it in the detailed descriptions below.
- It is unfortunate that this sentence "In my essay, I would analyse certain impacts of this trend with regards to social problems and environmental degradation, following corresponding solutions to such urgent matter." makes the score only reach 5.0 in Task Response and coherence and cohesion part. What are the impacts? what are the solutions? Do not let the examiner question your essay, especially in the beginning of the paragraph. So, it has to be clear for the reader. You can mention them by using some keywords or paraphrasing it.
- Another 50% of your score comes from lexical resource and grammatical accuracy. I am pretty sure that you have several good points here related to band 6.0. You've attempted to use less common vocabulary but with some inaccuracy in collocation. Also, you've made some errors but fortunately they rarely reduce communication. Those are good points which can uplift your score at 6.0.
Overall, if those score are calculated, I assume that this essay is worth more or less at 5.5. However, this was just a score prediction. If other members or contributors have different point of views, I do appreciate that. Anyway, good luck for the next practice :)