I'm worried about my writing skills very much. I would be appreciate it if you can leave your sincere comments and advices for revision. How much band can I get?
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what ways has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive or negative development?
In the 21st century, technology, the main driving force behind the productivity, has played a pivotal role in transforming the ways in which we interact. Thus, a spirited debate has risen whether technological development is a blessing or a curse to people's relationships. In my opinion, advanced technology provides more negative developments, regardless of some recognized benefits.
It cannot be denied that technology has influenced our ability to interact in many ways. In term of time and space, innovative inventions, such as mobile phone, bring great efficiency and convenience, gradually eliminating the restrictions of communication with others. Specifically, no matter where the individuals may live and what they do, we can chat to them and exchange ideas with them by making a phone call, which is really quick and easy. More importantly, with access to the Internet, we can experience new forms of relationship: online chatting and Internet social network. Unlike the face-to-face relationship, online relationship takes shorter time and fewer conditions to establish. Instead of knowing each other very well, including how he looks and where he lives, sharing the similar ideas well and seemingly suitable personality are rather the key factors.
Of course, it is beneficial for technology to make communications efficient and easy. However, inevitably, some problems follow after those benefits. With such advanced technology, people tend to spend more time staying at home and sitting in front of computer screen rather than going out to visit friends. As a result, fewer 'true' talks and visits render the relationship fake and full of uncertainties, exisisting potential cheats and crimes, which will be detrimental to the social safety and security. For instance, some dishonest persons may make use of online chatting to gain your trust and then commit cheating on your money and property.
In conclusion, the-state-of-art technology is a two-edged sword, which brings both positive and negative developments of relationships, while such negative ones outweighs the opposite ones. Therefore, it is yet a long way for us to control changing relationships and communications in our daily life.
Hi Jie Zhang
I have just reviewed your essay and it has a good structure with some minor grammatical mistakes but those can be easily fixed. I recommend that you should look at your work and then look at the revisions R1, R2, and so on. Your conclusion needs a little restructuring. You atart of ok with in conclusion and your concluding sentence is good but the main objective is to summarize the main points that you have made in the body of your work. If you are going to introduce government censorship it has to be part of the body structure not the conclusion; we cannot introduce new information in the conclusion. Are you getting ready to write the IELTS? All in all your work is not bad, if I can help further let me know. Good luck.
Roger
Thanks, Roger! You are a hero.
Jessie, if you have time I think you should type the whole essay again and use Roger's corrections. That'll give you good grammar habits.
Also, you can ask questions if there are some corrections you don't understand.
When you type the essay again, maybe it will be perfect. If not, we'll see what mistakes you still have.
:-)
Roger, thank you soooo much for your detailed revisions, which really taught me a lot.
Kevin, Thank you for your advice. I have typed that again, and I will continue to practice my writing skills. :)
Excellent! Now I'll look for more errors...
You can write "the mobile phone" like this:
innovative inventions such as the mobile phone bring ...----and I took out the commas. You don't need them there.
Keep it simple:
while such negative ones outweighs the positive ones.
:-)
Great job!
Thanks, Kevin!
I got 6.5 in writing band in IELTS, which is a big improvementm and I will continue writing here, while the frequency is not so high.:)
