Unanswered [1] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

WRITING IELTS TASK 2: the importance of music - it connects the people


jungsooyeon 2 / 5 4  
Nov 21, 2019   #1

the soul of life



Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Music is the soul of life that people in every aspect of the world listen to diary. It is thought that music is a bright of differennces between cultures generation gaps. From my perspective, i completely agree with this sentiment.

First and foremost, music is the most fundamental thing people around the world do in a day. It may help connect residents in various classes of society together when music is not created for an individual, and there is distinction among levels of the society. Regularly, musicians compose songs based on their emtions inspire them to others who have the same feelings as them. Futhermore, music is considered as a thread of linking global citizens together since it can break all barriers of language. Vietnamese youngsters are keen on listening to K-pop music as an example for this reason. Regardless of the fact that not many Vietnamese know Korean, they listen Korean music due to their enjoyment of the melodys of the songs and their idols. Therefore, this may connect people in various countries.

In addition, music also makes people feel that they are younger than their real age, so it may remove all generational disparity. There are some genres of music such as Bolero, Ballad that people in all age group enjoy listening to. They do not distinguish whether they are the old or the young who can sing these songs, and bring this kind of music to some musical competitions. Last but not least, many yesteryear songs are still beloved by both adults anf youngsters nowadays.

In conclusion, music turns out insufficient in people's lives when it can link generations and people with different nations together.

thaithu 3 / 9 1  
Nov 21, 2019   #2
To be honest, thank you that I can learn something from your essay. I think you got a grammatical mistake in this sentence "musicians compose songs ... inspire them to ..." as there are 2 verbs in a sentence. Overall you give good opinion but the way you convey it needs to be more concise. In the summary, I think you use wrongly the word "insufficient" because it means "not enough", I guess you mean music is important, you can you the word "irreplaceable" or some synonyms of the word "important" instead.
Maria [Contributor] - / 1,062 374  
Nov 22, 2019   #3
@jungsooyeon
Hi there. Thanks for coming to the site! I hope that you are able to learn something from this essay.

Firstly, I think that the introductory statements are still a bit lacking, considering that you were unable to provide a more comprehensive briefing on what the thesis statement/core message of the writing is. That first sentence could be better if you were able to relate it better to how intercultural or cross-cultural the experience of music is. Try to be more specific rather than giving out vague statements.

Like what I regularly tell people, evading the usage of excessive language will always be helpful in balancing out your writing. In your writing, it is quite obvious that the latter parts of your writing already didn't have the ample space for a more fruitful discussion. For instance, the concluding paragraph was already lacking in terms of substance. Try to keep everything balanced out when you are writing in order to create for a more substantive discussion.


Home / Writing Feedback / WRITING IELTS TASK 2: the importance of music - it connects the people