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The most important aspect of a job is the size of money you earn. Big salary vs job satisfaction?

Mohsen23 1 / -  
Mar 7, 2017   #1
Hello guys, please give me writing feedback to improve my writing skill please. Thank you in advance

Big salary is much more important than job satisfaction.
Do you agree or disagree?
Provide relevant examples if necessary.

job satisfaction and the sense of recognition

These days, some people hold the opinion that the most important aspect of a job is the size of money you earn. Whereas, many people have the negative attitude in which they consider things like job satisfaction far superior when it comes to the selection of a career. I strongly agree with latter. The reasons are presented below.

Admittedly, money provides a better life materially. But, as we explore the facts beyond the selection of a job, there are myriad of factor that go together in selecting a job. Without any doubt, nobody can deny the important role of money plays in our daily life. Nevertheless, since we take other aspects of a job into consideration such as precious skills and experiences one gain from the job, prospect of the job and social status, you might doubt whether money is the main determining factor for choosing a job? Is not too much narrow this belief?

Furthermore, having a glance at scientists' lives reveal the fact that some of them spend their whole lives inventing new things, exploring mysterious things and innovating new technology. We can say, it is the spirits they have, contributions they have made to all human beings, great findings and inventions they have left to us makes them giant! Thanks to them, the society is developing faster and faster. Can we say that what they do is for the sake of money?

There is a never-ending list to follow in addition what I mentioned above, like flexible working hours, free insurance, and others that lure the aspirants to take up the job. In my view, job satisfaction and the sense of recognition are the prime factors to choose a position.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Mar 7, 2017   #2
Mohsen, there are a number of reasons as to why you cannot score higher than a 5 with this essay. It all has to do with two simple things, you presented questions without answers in your paragraphs, which is a contradiction of the rules when it comes to writing academic essays, and you used the word "but" in the wrong manner.

When you write an essay of this sort, you are not being prevented from asking questions in the paragraphs. However, you are expected to offer responses to the question you posted either through the presentation of evidence or an explanation of the opinion. In this instance, you failed to do either in both paragraphs. Therefore, your essay lost points in the TA section.

As for the word "But", it cannot be used to start a sentence as per academic grammar writing rules. In order to use the word "But" in the sentence, you need to have first introduced an idea which you are contradicting in the next part of the sentence. It can only be used on the middle of a sentence to connect the two ideas. It cannot be used at the start because there are no ideas to connect at that point.
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 11, 2017   #3
Hi @Mohsen23
I know that your idea disagrees the prompt. However, sometimes i get confuse because a lot of asking sentences that overwhelms your body paragraph. Did you mind that your readers would understand your purpose by asking question? Unfortunately, it didn't work form me as a reader. Turning to your body paragraph two, you wrote "furthermore" that means your idea connects to the first body paragraph, but it did not relate.

There is a never-ending list to follow in addition what ...

It reflects that your conclusion did not cover all your idea, instead you add additional information that you should avoid.

hope it helps you

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