Toefl essay : Most important character

The question is :
"In your opinion, what is the most important characteristic (for example, honesty, intelligence, a sense of humor) that a person can have to be successful in life? Use specific reasons and examples from your experience to explain your answer. When you write your answer, you are not limited to the examples listed in the question."

I wrote this as the answer :

It is the 20th century, where understanding that human is not only an individualistic is a prominent factor. When socializing with people, one tends to affect each other with their own dominant characters. One character can be considered good for a society, but in the other society sometimes it might be deemed as a bad one. Thus, in my opinion one characteristic that can fit under any kind of circumstances or society is diligence.

The phrase "No pain no gain" that we often hear in elementary years is very relevant to this topic. Diligence is a character which only that person can build. Diligent people most likely will fight for what they want very hard. This coherence with what I have said above, that diligence applies under any circumstances.

As an example, from what I have watched on the news, bank robbers in New York keep their eye on one bank for a really long time before actually realizing their robbery. This results in their success in robbing the bank. Even though robbery is deemed bad, this still shows that their diligence over one thing -spying- is essential.

Another example is my friend, X. who really wants to enter the medicine faculty of University of Indonesia. She study extremely hard and always pays attention to the lecture. I can see that any obstacles that she has met can be overcome with this.

in addition, people who are diligent more likely have positive aura. They tend to support and give spirit to others. Moreover, diligent people surely have a strong will power and determined over their goals. People like these are usually liked by the community. Seeing a diligent person makes the others positively motivated.

For an example, my friend X in st Ursula highschool is a very smart and diligent person. Whenever I don't understand the lecture, she often asks whether I need her explanation or not. Seeing this makes me want to be like her, I'm really motivated to study more diligently and be able to teach my other friends who might not understand the teacher's explanation.

in conclusion, I think diligence is the most important characteristic that have to be built in one's life. Hard work and positive aura are the factors why it is essential.

Well ... I am not in favor this as a good hook. I find it is a bit too complicated and your idea does not come nicely. Have a simple and interesting sentence to open your essay. Your hook should come with a punch that makes the reader to stay with you until you finish your essay.


These two sentences do not provide a good entrance to introduce your topic as they have very very little relevance to your topic. Always align your writing with the prompt, otherwise it sounds as if you go out of topic. :(

Pahan
thankyou for your opinion (: i'll try to fix it

This is your prompt and let see how you have introduced it to the reader in your introduction;


I find that you have not really got the idea what your prompt suggests. Your prompt asks you what you think as most important characteristics that a person need to have to be successful in life. It really does not refer to any good or bad characteristics, but asks you what you think are the ones that help one be successful. You do not deal with this task in your introduction.