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Important information should be shared freely. Yes or no?

ngocmaing 3 / 6 2  
Oct 27, 2020   #1

IELTS Writing Task 2 - Sharing information

Some people believe that it is good to share as much information as possible in scientific research, business and the academic world. Others believe that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Information has been a key issue nowadays due to its power. The one who keeps in hand the largest amount is eventually considered to be the most powerful. This leads to a debatable question: whether we should spread freely all the information or keep it in private for the sake of peace and power. In this essay, I will try my best to give a general view of both sides.

These days, people are claiming that sharing information creates educational communities. Living anywhere, global citizens can learn from others and can give away what they know. Balancing the world of information, this stimulates creativity and competitiveness, especially among the youths. Young people will then create new ideas, keeping up and enhancing the innovation. This, undoubtedly, leads to a better world. After all, everyone deserves to be aware of what is going on around them. Huge impact can come from the smallest pack of data.

On the other hand, spreading information freely can lead to potential danger. Indeed, those who have anti - ethical purposes can also learn the information and utilize it to fulfil their own aim. For example, terrorists are the ones we should keep an eye on as the threats they make may result in great loss, which we have already witnessed from the past. Thus, this explains partly why there are opinions stating that some information is too important or too valuable to be shared freely. The less information can reach those who have such intention, the safer, they believe, the world is.

To conclude, debatable as it seems, the question can not be answered in the exact right way. However, in my opinion, I would take the side and say that information should be shared freely. I believe in the rapid progress humanity will make if this move is set, and dangers can slowly be pushed away.

P/S: Thank you for spending time reviewing my essay. May I ask, how can I reduce the amount of words in this essay? It actually exceeded way too much and seems to be wordy. I want to know how I can write shortly but still effective. Thank you!

thanhtrung97 5 / 11 3  
Oct 27, 2020   #2
In the introduction section, using "I will try my best" is quite odd for this task, and the examiner would not care about that.
For your question, you should reduce word count to 250-300 words only. In order to do that, I suggest you to create complex sentences more (in 2 bodies) and only 2 sentences in the intro (one for general statement and one for your opinion/what you are going to do.)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,124 3267  
Oct 27, 2020   #3
The first thing you have to do is avoid making assumptions that do not exist in the original presentation. That means, your first sentence, which is an assumption, should not be included in the presentation. You should also avoid rhetorical questions in the discussion because that can sometimes be seen as a memorized or cut and paste presentation. For the reasoning paragraphs. Stop using word fillers at the start. Use topic sentences to clearly direct the discussion. Provided you can write 3-5 coherent sentences in each reasoning paragraph, you will be able to write an essay within the 275-290 word count.

In this essay you overwrote because of your focus on the public discussion presentation. You forgot to balance it with a personal opinion as indicated. So you should not have over written if you wrote the right number of reasoning paragraphs - 3. The personal opinion cannot be contained in the conclusion. That needs to be a stand alone paragraph because it requires a fully justified and developed reasoning presentation.

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