Unanswered [1] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback 4

IELTS TASK2: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history


Test : It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history. To what extent to you agree or disagree?

local history vs world history at school



It is argued that the learning about local history is more significant than that world history for schoolchildren which remain to be controversy topic. Personally, I completely disagree with this point of view.

There are two main reasons why learning local history is big part of education. One reason of them is that throughout history, it makes children not only aware of the events of their country's past but also earned many lessons by reflective mind about every win or lost and foster a sense of belonging to the school. Another reason of point is that boy or girl can find it easily learns how importantly developed local cultural traditions. For example, when someone looks forward to studying about Vietnam war; they have to recognize that under the background great winning of Vietnam people is courage, strategy sense, national solidarity and still be motivational resources to other countries in the carrying out a war of resistance to colonialism. Children should learn it to understand how momentous local cultural traditions have maintained and developed. For example, on the lunar years, square glutinous rice cake is stem from the first king of Vietnam till to now.

Besides learning and experiencing of local history, schoolchildren should spend a deserved amount of time scrutinizing cover world history. Firstly, one exactly bright manner to develop an understanding of the past of other peoples who live in difference countries. Secondly, science has proven that contemporary present of one country is related in the interaction of both all historical events of this country and affect the contemporaneous history of other countries along with the process of history. For instance, one of the core factors of the award in resistance battle of Vietnam nation is the doom of colonialism theory.

In conclusion, through several reasons I have mention above, I emphasized that the equally important learning and researching between local history and world history.

Jan 13, 2018   #2
Than, the first problem with this essay is that it is not formatted properly. While you do have more than the required 250 words in the essay, you did not bother to divide the discussion topics into individual paragraphs in order to meet the 5 sentence , 5 paragraph requirement. The combined content discussions that are not accurately represented in the 2 body paragraphs. By the way, always write 3 body paragraphs so that you can better explain your reasons in the essay. Since this is an opinion essay, 3 strong opinions in every paragraph would have done the trick for you.

Since each paragraph should represent only one idea that is supported by personal knowledge or opinion, along with one example, this paragraph doesn't make the cut in terms of presentation requirements. It is confusing and doesn't really accomplish a solid discussion because you have only one sentence for the first reason and then a longer discussion, with examples, for the second reason. Limit yourself to only one reason and one example per paragraph with at least 2 supporting sentences within. That is the appropriate presentation that always gain a higher score in the C&C consideration scale.

Your opening paraphrase and closing summary are also nothing more than run-on sentence presentations. These paragraphs still need to follow the basic paragraph requirements so you need to split up the ideas in your long sentence presentation into individual sentences. By the way, don't exaggerate your opening paraphrase. Just stick to the voice of the original discussion as presented in the original prompt. Here is an example of how you can do this for the opening paragraph:

There is a discussion ongoing these days regarding the teaching of local and world history in schools. Some educators believe that more time should be spent increasing a student's knowledge of local history instead of learning about world history. I strongly disagree with this statement for a number of reasons.

The closing paragraph should have a maximum of 5 sentences that represents the original prompt, the 3 discussion points, and a repeat of your disagreement with the given statement in order to create an appropriate summarized discussion for the essay. It will also help it to close on the strongest possible presentation.
@stephenphan
I am assuming that English is your second language. I can see a lot of grammatical errors the your writing task. I am going to highlight them and give you a correct structure to put them in which makes more sense.

First line: It is argued that the learning ... that of world ... which remains to be ...

Para, Line 1: ... why learning local history is big part of education. (You just disagreed with the statement, but with this line you are advocating it) and then your whole paragraph reads in defense of the topic that you are disagreeing to.

Here I'm pointing out the grammatical mistakes you need corrected.

... the learning about ... than that world history ... remains to be a topic of controversy.

... why learning local world history ... One reason of them is ... but also earned many lessons by reflective mind about every win or lose and fosters a sense of belonging to the school world. ... that boy or girl students can find it easy to learn ...

... recognize that under in the background of great winning ... strategy sense, national ...
... first king of Vietnam till to now.

... scrutinizing to cover ... past of other peoples people (people is already a plural) who live in different countries.
... the interaction of both all historical events of the country and affects the contemporaneous ...
... battle of Vietnam nation is the doom ...

... I have mentioned above, I emphasize that it is equally ...


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2: It is more important for schoolchildren to learn about local history than world history