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it is more important to spend money on art and music


z19b89 1 / 1  
Mar 25, 2011   #1
it is more important for governments to spend money building art museums and music performance centers than building recreational facilities such as playground and swimming pool.

With the development of society, there are an increasing number of people who hold the opinion that government should give art museums and music performance centers more priority than building recreational facilities while others hold an opposite opinion. From my perspective, I prefer the former choice for several reasons.

The first reason is that building more art museums and music performance centers can attract many tourists and develop the cities' tourism and increase financial revenues. According to a recent survey conducted by China Post, after polling thousands of people from all walks of life has found that a places of historic interest and scenic beauty with more art museums are their appealing choice because they can have a better known about this city. For instance, the Guggenheim Museum Bilbao is a museum of modern and contemporary art located in Bilbao, Spain. Almost immediately after its opening, the Guggenheim Bilbao became a popular tourist attraction, drawing visitors from around the globe. Therefore, if the governments build more art and music centers, the tourism of cities can develop rapidly. In contrast, if the governments use money just to build recreational facilities, it will not benefit the cities and the citizens to large extent.

Another essential reason is that going to art museum and music concert often can help people appreciate the beauty in their lives and be optimistic about their lives. With the various and constant distractions that we face in our daily lives, it is easy to totally neglect to experience the wonderful world and life. I remember I saw a serious of pictures drawing by a six-year-old girl in an art museum. Her pictures showed us something small but pleasant around us like the ladybug that lands on her shoulder in the middle of summer, the smell of lilacs outside her bedroom window, the soothing sound of the rain, her baby sister smiling and her favorite candy sharing with her friends. I learned a lot from her sensitive observation and delicate drawing. She reminds me that life is wonderful and full of hope though sometimes it does have some difficult times. In contrast, building recreation facilities plays only a small part of role in the whole things.

Finally, people could understand their country more deeply by they are becoming more involved with art and music. The best way to learn the custom and culture of any country is to admire the art and music of that country. Art and music always have many meaningful stories behind them, and people can understand history more easily than by reading history book. I like to visit art galleries in my spare time. The art pieces show many interesting stories and help me to realize our ancestors' way of life. That's why I am greatly convinced that building art and music centers should be given more consideration by the government.

In conclusion, the advantages of building art museums and music performance centers may carry more weight than the advantages of investing money on recreational facilities. Therefore, it is more advisable for governments to invest money on art museums and music performance centers.

ARIA 16 / 43 1  
Mar 25, 2011   #2
Hi dear Jing
It seems that your English vocabulary and grammar are good, but I think you need to be aware of some tricks that can cost you a big part of your score in test.

Lets go over them point by point:

1- In your introduction it is better to rephrase the question instead of the writing of the exact terms in question with the same sequence. Moreover, it is better to give your reasons along with your opinion.

2- As I understand you wrote this essay for TOEFL test. As I know in TOEFL essay you have 30 minutes time and a minimum limited number of words, which is about 300. Although it is not problem if you pass the words count in your essay, I believe with an essay like your essay which contains almost 600 words you waste your valorous time and missed revising which is as important as your writing. Try to write shorter and revise more. Some grammatical mistake in your essay shows that you did not revise your essay.

3- Try to use smaller sentences and avoid long complicated ones. Some of your opinions on all paragraphs are vague and in some of them you forgot to define the subjects or objects. For example: " the cities can improve their tastes about art and music as well as appreciate the beauty around the world, meanwhile, they may be optimistic about their lives " or some of your examples especially in the 3rd paragraph are unrelated to topic or even to your opinion, regarding to build music performance centres or art museums.

4- Your conclusion is again unfit to your essay. The conclusion should be a compact rephrasing of your introduction without adding any new information for reader.

Keep on try and do not hesitate to ask if there is any question.
BrookW 4 / 12  
Mar 26, 2011   #3
Hi Jing,

I made a little revision on below long sentence, for your reference.

According to a recent survey conducted by China Post, after polling thousands of people from all walks of life it has found that a places of historic interest and scenic beauty with more art museums are their the most appealing choice because people they can have a better known about this city.
Kaixi 1 / 1  
Mar 27, 2011   #4
Thank you, Brook. You are very helpful!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 28, 2011   #5
The first reason is that building more art museums and music performance centers can attract many tourists and develop the cities' tourism and increase financial revenues.

In this line, do you mean to talk about more than one city? If so, you did the right thing by putting the apostrophe after the s:

cities'
but when you talk about things belonging to only one city, you do this: city's

Your writing style shows that you have worked hard to learn English and that it is not your first language. It is very impressive for you to be able to write so well. The way you write is distinctive and unconventional. I like it!

Here is an error:
I remember seeing a series serious of pictures drawn by a six year-old girl in an art museum.

Very good job!

The first paragraph should end with a thesis statement that sums up the main idea of the essay. I want to suggest moving this sentence to the end of the first paragraph:

In conclusion, The advantages of building art museums and music performance centers may carry more weight than the advantages of investing money on recreational facilities.
OP z19b89 1 / 1  
Mar 28, 2011   #6
Thank you very much for your patience and delicate modification. It's really helpful.


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