Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

Toefl essay Which is more important for success ------

Keng 39 / 134  
Oct 12, 2009   #1
Please revise my essay and provide feedback for me.
I need the feedback to improve my writing skill.
Thank you.

The essay question is
Which is more important for success: the natural ability you are born with or hard work? Explain your opinion, using specific reasons and examples.

To my view, both natural ability and hard working are equally important. Some people are born with intelligence to make things faster. Others are very industrious but do not have a good brain. By making the best choice, it depends on situations which need either natural talent or diligence.

In the first place, intelligent people are able to achieve their education goal very quickly in spite of little time for preparation. This is the case that always happens in many countries. In school, some students do not have to spend much time reading a book to ready for the exam. They always get a high score though not taking a tutorial course outside the classroom as did ambitious students. Moreover, when it comes to the scholarship, many naturally intelligent students always get the scholarship fund to study abroad despite an all-day relax before the exam. On the other hands, the hard-working students can not do as intelligent ones who take little times to pass the exam for scholarship because they are not able to remember knowledge only one time without a review.

In the second place, people with a normal brain spend more times learning things to gain success. For my family member, he my brother is not born with a good brain but try for an exam for the military school. He spent more than one year achieving his goal of becoming a soldier. During his preparation, he had to study hard and read many books both in school and in tutorial campus. He had no time to do his normal daily routines such as watching television, play football in the evening and play a computer. By contrast, intelligent people do not have to follow my brother's strategies. My brother said that his friends spent only two month passing the military exam. He was very surprised to hear this. This is the real difference between natural intelligence and perseverance.

Finally, if you enter the business arena, you have to use both your natural intelligence and diligence to survive. In the business world, many surrounding things changes quickly and you cannot sit and flip through various texts about business management. You have to spend much time analyzing your competitors all time. While keeping a close watch on them, you can use your natural intellect to read their minds, which is important to business success in the future.

In conclusion, People may think that natural intelligence is higher than working hard; however, if situations force you to use both of them to ensure success, you cannot avoid and try to put them to good use as much as possible.

aroundtheworld 1 / 8  
Oct 12, 2009   #2
Maybe you could include another reason why you think hard work is important? All the points you have so far seem to be trying to make me think that intelligence is of much greater value. You say that smarter students have more leisure time, a less difficult time in school, have a much easier time getting a scholarship, and can read the minds of their opponents?

So where is the benefit of being a hard worker? You give the example of your brother, but you make it seem like he had a terribly hard time compared to the more intelligent kids. If not being highly intelligent makes achieving your dreams harder, why is hard work equally important as intelligence? You might want to elaborate on this.

You might also want to think about how you present the need to use hard work and intelligence together. You say that in the business world you can't just flip through texts anymore, but could you really just do this in university? Maybe you can tie hard work and intelligence together by saying that intelligent people need to work hard in university to get good grades. This hard work in university could imbue them with the work ethic they need to succeed in the business world. You might also need to define what you consider intelligence to be. One person may view Einstein as a genius, while others may think that anyone below Stephen Hawking has no brains.

But yeah, these are just suggestions.
Good luck!
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Oct 12, 2009   #3
Thank you for your feedback.
EF_Stephen - / 264  
Oct 13, 2009   #4
Intelligence isn't an easy thing like you make it seem. It has to be trained and focused. There is lots of hard work intelligent people have had to do to make it look easy. Don't be fooled by that.

Both are necessary for success.
OP Keng 39 / 134  
Oct 13, 2009   #5
Thank you for further feedback.
It is useful to my brainstorming skill.
trevgolfer 1 / 2  
Oct 13, 2009   #6
Yeah talk about how one of the two has helped you with something also how it truly set you apart from the norm and how you have grown from that.

Home / Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Which is more important for success ------