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The most important thing the government should do to improve health care is to clean the environment


natasha_139 5 / 4 2  
Jun 20, 2016   #1
Hi, there, please help me proofread with the unity and coherence in this essay. Grammar checking won't be a problem for me. I would need more help about topic development and how my flow of thought is organized. Thanks a lot!

TOEFL: A/D:The most important thing the government should do to improve health care is to clean the environment.

Nowadays, a healthy body has become the top dream of every individual. Without it, people would probably lose their ability and efficiency to work, study and advance.There is a factor undermining human health which is pollution. For this, many people tend to think the government must take actions to clean the environment as a top priority in order to ensure people's health. In my view, there are two other steps as important as cleaning the environment.

The government should boost the mass to do more physical exercises. Doing exercise has many advantages to our bodies such as improving body constitution, increasing lungs and heart capacity. These sorts of physical conditions are mighty power defending the intrusive viruses and illnesses. It is universally perceived that the majority of athletes possess strong and healthy attributes because of their everyday's intensive exercises. Their muscular tissue and respiratory system is more dynamic than the people do little or never exercise. Considering huge benefits regular workout could bring about, if the government could carry out some measures to promote daily exercise, it would be rather helpful in improving the health care.

What's more, funding projects and institutes of medical study is also a good way improving health care. Our environment has been largely damaged due to human activities and various of new illnesses has emerged along the way. Our medical treatments and conditions need to be advanced correspondingly so as to tackle these diseases. One of the biggest problems to push forward this plan is lack of substantial funds for pharmaceutical and clinical experiments cost an arm and a leg. Take epidemic disease Ebola. In order to contain its contagious effect, the influenced areas and their surrounding hospitals and clinics all had to upgrade their facilities for diagnosis and detection. One hospital would be fine to do this while getting every relevant hospitals done would be mission impossible. So it is seen the government should spare money contributing to medical improvement and update which is the key to better health care too.

It is undoubted that cleaning the environment is a useful method to improve the health care because fresh air and uncontaminated water is conducive to healthy environment. Quality environment constrict the breeding and transmitting of germs causing sickness. However, we have to admit that environment cleaning alone cannot resolve all the health-related problems.

In conclusion, cleaning the environment should not be the most primary and important thing. Government also should pay high attention to facilitate people to do exercises and to support and fund medical researches.

ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Jun 20, 2016   #2
Hi Natasha, the descriptions below are my contribution towards your grammatical range and accuracy part. I hope you can follow through the feedback given because grammar related to the flow of ideas. This will help you to improve the clarity and coherence of your essay writing development later on.

1st paragraph:
- NowadaysThese days(nowadays is an informal word) , a healthy body has become the top dream of every individual.almost all individuals want to have a healthy body.(avoid overgeneralizing a subject, not all individuals want to be healthy, some of them who already healthy do not need this kind of dream/goal, for example, athlete and body builder. Besides, your sentence structure was too confusing, I've simplified it.)

- efficiency to work, study and advance.(advance for what? unclear statement I guess)
- There is a factor undermining human health which is pollution.Pollution is the main factor that undermining human health.(avoid making complicated and confusing structure)

- For this, many people tend to think that the government must take actions to clean the environment and make it as a top priority in order to ensure people's health. ('tend to' means that it is about to happen, or has not yet happened. Why don't you write directly "many people think that..."?)

- In my view, there are two other steps which as important as cleaning the environment.

2nd paragraph:
- ...such as improving body constitutionbody's health(wrong collocation, constitution cannot be collocated with body)
- possess strong and healthy attributeshealthy body because of their everyday's intensive exercises. (attribute cannot be collocated with healthy)
- Their muscular tissue and respiratory system is more dynamic(This statement is too detail. Avoid bringing prior background knowledge to this type of essay. Not all examiners understand about healthy system that you've explained)

There you have it Natasha, I hope you can mind the feedback given. I am going to see your improvement soon :)
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Jun 20, 2016   #3
Hi Natasha, I would like to provide additional insights on the first two paragraphs of your essay.

- the top dreampriority of every individual.
- and advance in life .
- thethat the government

- The government should boosteducate the masses
- has a lot ofmany advantages
- These sorts of physical conditions are mighty powersource of defending
- everyday'sdaily intensive exercises.
- the people dowho does little or neverno exercise at all . - Considering huge benefits from regular workout
- it would be rather helpful insights in improving
- thepeople's health care.

There you have it Natasha, what I notice about your essay is the lack of link in the continuation of your idea, as I call it, the sentences are not complete without the help of minor details such as your, "from", "the", "it" and so on. This maybe minor but as mentioned this is very crucial in completing the idea of your sentences and the overall outcome of your essay.


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