TOEFL; More important to work quickly& risk making mistakes

Could you please help me to correct my mistakes in this essay?
Please give me a score between 0 to 30.

Title: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
In today's world, it is more important to work quickly and risk making mistakes than to work slowly and make sure that everything is correct.

Organizations, these days, seek to find people who can work extraordinary fast and carefully. These people play an important role to increase effectiveness of a company. Working fast yet risky has a place near the ideal goal mentioned before. I am totally agrees with the statement for some reasons. Trying to learn skills, working in two places in a week and gaining more tasks are the reasons which take into account as the most important causes of my choice.

To begin with, if persons work rapidly, they will have more chance to study. Attending in some classes which try to increase the skills of employees can be considered as an absolutely effective parameter. If people learn how should increase their speed at work by studying, they can stares in their workplace. For example, I have a friend who was working so slowly. He has been threatened by his boss who was going to fire him. My friend went to a course where he learned how should work rapidly and now he is working.

Most importantly, people prone to work in two or three firms in a week because the expenses have been increased. If they work just in one organization they cannot earn enough money. This fact pushes them to work faster and faster. For example, because applying to study abroad needs a lot of money, I am working in two organization to gain more salary. The more money, the more chances.

Last but not least, people who work slowly can no longer handle more tasks. If you show in your workplace that you are the one who can work more than other even carelessly, your boss will assign you more tasks. If you do them fast too, the first acknowledgement of your boss encourages you to work harder. It turns you to a person who has skill of working without hesitation. Even if we ignore this result, by the same token, you can get higher position and more money.

To sum up, I completely approve of the statement which says people should work faster even more risky. Gaining more skills by study, having more than one job, and handling more tasks are the benefits of it which overweighs its disadvantages. I hope people gain this skill because after that they will endorse my choice.

Hi Farshid_t.
I think your writing skill is good . ( surely better than me :D )

If people learn how should increase their speed at work by studying, they can stares in their workplace .
it had better be like this

since one learned how to increase their speed by studying at work , they can be paragons in their workplace.

Hi Farshid_t.

Here are some comments that I would like to give you for your reference. :)

My corrections1: In today's society (or In today's world), more ad more companies, small businesses, and organizations seek to find employees with fast, careful working ability.

My corrections2: I totally agree with the statement for some reasons. (not I am totally agrees..)

Hi Okdeerpass,
I appreciate for your attention.

Could you please state that :
why cannot I use "these days" in "Organizations, these days, seek to find people who can work extraordinary fast and carefully" ? Using that is wrong?

You are totally right in Correction 2 and changing the word "fast and carefully" to "fast and careful working ability" in Correction 1.

Hi Eddies,

I appreciate for your attention.

I went to a TOEFL class in a very well-known English School in Iran. My teacher who has got 8.5/9 in IELTS in writing emphasizes that we should write 5 paragraphs. He believes Americans use 5 paragraphs too, because he had some American students who had said in U.S students are not familiar with 4 paragraphs essay and use 5 paragraphs essay.

We use 4 paragraphs essay for the time when question wants to compare two ideas or two statements. For example, what are advantages and disadvantages of smoking? In this essay, we write about

advantages in paragraph 2, disadvantages in paragraph 3, and our opinion in paragraph 4. Additionally, My friends in that school have got the best marks in writing task by 5 paragraphs essay even 30/30 in TOEFL.

I know that writing in 4 paragraphs is so easier than 5 paragraphs essay. But, I am following my teacher instruction. Besides, I have written the above writing in 30 minutes. I am trying to work on my essay to write with more Cohesion and Coherence.

If you have some observations, experiments or something like them which show students who write 4 paragraphs can gain more scores, could you please share it? If I convince that 4 paragraphs is better than 5 paragraphs in scores, I will change my method. We have studied several book for TOEFL one of the best one is "Oxford preparation Course for the TOEFL iBT Exam" which says we should write 4 paragraphs too!

Well, if you feel that you are OK with five paragraphs, you'd better keep it well.
I share what I have learnt as an IELTS student who likes writing in a four-paragraph essay.


Sure :D Hope this helps ielts-simon.com/ielts-help-and-english-pr/2012/03/ielts-writing-task-2-agree-disagree-or-both.html

The most important task here is to complete your essay with must features. As I see, your essay need to have an introduction, body paragraphs (them 4,5 or any number you like) and the conclusion. Then, you need to adopt the right approach, have good grammar , display your vocabulary knowledge and have a good flow with best clarity. Even I too support the 4 para approach because it helps you complete your task with the features I mentioned by meeting your time requirement. Remember, this task has a major bearing on time. If you complete it with 4 paras (2 body paras) before the allowed time, you can go back and add another para to make it a 5 para essay. In whatever scenario, the important point is you complete the task with intro, body paras, conclusion together with other features that help you score marks within the time allocated for you.