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Improved medical care. With many recent major breakthroughs in medication, humans are now accessible


nhanmi 1 / -  
May 30, 2016   #1
With many recent major breakthroughs in medication, humans are now accessible to medical care which is highly bettered over the time. All health care centers are now well-equipped with meticulous and well-qualified workforce. There are both pros and cons entailing this advancement. As far as I'm concerned, the positives may outweigh all the drawbacks.

It is undeniable that improved medical treatment means an increase in human's life expectancy. As a result, people are given more chances to fulfil their innumerable wishes and gain a lot more experiences while living. They can take the idea of trying an extreme sport into mature consideration and make a decision whether to take part in it or not. If they ultimately decide to give it a try, they might be able to discover the feeling of achieving something they have never ever plucked up the courage just to start. Even when they have made their retirement, they can still devote themselves to a firm as an advisor providing that they have an authority on a particular field. Additionally, despite their inexpertise and inexperience, they will be able to stay at home, nurturing kids or grandchildren, leading a tranquil and peaceful lifestyle with their family's whole-hearted appreciation.

However, human's life expectancy being lenghthened has a detrimental influence on social issues, overpopulation, in particular. Overpopulation is highly susceptible due to an unintended imbalance between death and birth rate. Given that governments and policies are unable to redress the balance between the two mentioned rates, human may be forced to come to terms with a large number of crisises. Unemployment is inescapable. More and more people are prone to homelessness and joblessness. Natural resources which combine with each other to create sustenance are limited. Being depleted of them because of the outburst of population means a global starvation. In addition, a multitude of people making use of transports engender traffic jam, noise, air polution contributing adversely to the enviornment.

On balance, bettered medical care helps us lead a more blissful, dedicative and adventurous life but it does harm to the population, causing numerous unsolved problems such as globle famine, unemployment, homelessness, air polution. Personally, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because when the quality of a person's life is progressed, together, we can resolve and overcome all challenges.
radhiyah_fahra - / 4  
May 30, 2016   #2
Hi, here some suggestions

As far as I'm concerned I concern[/b], the positiveseffectsmay outweigh all the drawbacks.
As a result, people are given more chances to fulfil their innumerable wishes and gain a lot moreof experiences while living.

... leading toa tranquil and peaceful lifestyle with their family's whole-hearted appreciation.

However, human's life expectancy being lenghthened has a detrimental ..

... human may be forced to come to terms with a large number of crisisescrises= plural .

In addition, a multitude of people making use of transports engenders traffic jam, noise, air pollution contributing adversely to the environment.

On balance, bettered medical care helps us lead a more blissful, dedicative and adventurous life ...

well, be careful of misspelling
and as a result is connector in mini conclusion
and sorry, I couldn't find the meaning of lenghthened and dedicative words
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
May 30, 2016   #3
Hi Nguyen, welcome to the team! :) This is the perfect place to improve your writing, especially in composing essays. However, as a new member, I understand your confusion, and therefore I would like to give you some suggestions for that.

First, it is about the title. You have mention it clearly, not only presenting the topic, for example, "IELTS Task 2: Improved medical care, or TOEFL iBT: Improved medical care". It has to be clear since the title is crucial for us in determining how to give feedback towards your essay. Second, you are suggested to give at least one space (one enter) for each paragraph. Combining all of those paragraphs are not recommended at all. If we (members and contributors) think that it is a confusing post, we will just left it behind without giving you any corrections. Third, if you want to give feedback towards other members' essays, that's okay. As long as you give meaningful feedback, which means not only in a one or two sentences, somehow it can be a paragraph(s) like what I've given you just now. It is really unfortunate that some new members are suspended because of this issue, and therefore you need to avoid to make the same mistake.

With regards to your essay, I assume that it is an IELTS task 2 essay. Your introduction and conclusion paragraph seem okay. It is not necessary to put many modifications there. The thing that I am concerned is your body paragraphs. It was really bulk. Actually, 4 or 5 sentences for each paragraph is already okay as long as you've covered all the ideas that you are going to explore. I would like to give you some tips in building a strong body paragraph in the descriptions below:

Main Body Paragraph 1 (Stronger Side)
1st Sentence - Topic Sentence
2nd Sentence - Explain why it is strong
3rd Sentence - Example
4th Sentence - Topic Sentence
5th Sentence - Explain why it is strong
6th Sentence - Example

Main Body Paragraph 2 (Weaker Side)
1st Sentence - Topic Sentence
2nd Sentence - Explain why it is not strong
3rd Sentence - Example
Nahid87 12 / 17 7  
May 31, 2016   #4
Hey nhanmi! There are some corrections as follows:

With many recent major breakthroughs in medications , humans are now accessible to medical carehumans access to medical cares which is highly ...

As far as I'm concerned, the positives may outweigh all the drawbacks.the positive may carry more weight than drawbacks.(I think, it seems more clearly)

... more chances to fulfil their innumerablecountless wishes and gain a lot ...

1. Your essay is about 380 words which is appropriate for toefl exam
2. Give an indent at the first of the paragraphs
3. and Finally well-done and wish you luck :)


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