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'improvement of education' - change something in your hometown


yammm95 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2012   #1
Changing always takes a place in our life. We have to develop our life to become easy. There is some significant change may lead to improve our life. In my view, if I have chance to change something important in my hometown I will change the education for two reasons. These reasons are improvement health care, and decreasing the illiterate effect.

First foremost, the improvement of education helps to improve the health care. As we know the health care is very important. Focusing on the education quality will help us to get high professional workers in the medical field. By them, we can improve the health care. For example, in my country there is a shortage in the medical staffs. Every year, my government has hired with a foreign nationalities to cover this shortage. Furthermore, a lot of people go to outside of my country searching for the health care because there are not enough professional doctors. By this example, we can see how the education is important to improve the health care.

Also, improvement education will help to decrease the illiterate ratio. We can make a decision on any nation or country by looking to the illiterate ratio. The illiterate does not effect on a person only, but also this adversity effect reach to an economy and a generation. For instant, we can see that in a poor country, which suffers from the illiterate, and how the illiterate reflects on its economy. We can see that, how this change is important to decrees the effects of illiterate.

In short, improvement the education does not play role on the health care, but also has impact to decrease the illiterate effects. The education will support the economy, create many jobs, and also make a kind of competition.

hvthoteen 16 / 44 4  
Nov 4, 2012   #2
"Changing always takes a place in our life"
--> Change always takes place in our lives

"There is some significant change may lead to improve our life"
--> There are some significant changes that may improve our lives

"These reasons are improvement health care, and decreasing the illiterate effect."
--> The major reasons are health care improvement and illiteracy eradication ( parallel structure )

"First foremost" --> First and foremost

"Every year, my government has hired with a foreign nationalities to cover this shortage"
Every year, my government has to hire many foreign doctors to cover this shortage

In the second paragraph, you repeat " improve" "health care" frequently. it is not good in an writing. i think you should replace them with other similar words

"Also, improvement education will help to decrease the illiterate ratio"
--> In addition, education improvement will help decrease the ratio of illiteracy

"The illiterate does not effect on a person only, but also this adversity effect reach to an economy and a generation"
--> illiteracy affects not only one person but also the whole economy

"We can see that, how this change is important to decrees the effects of illiterate."
We can see that how this changes is important to decrease the effects of illiteracy

you make several grammar mistakes
i think that you should practice more ;)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 4, 2012   #3
Changing always takes a place in our life. We have to develop our life to become easy. There is some significant change may lead to improve our life.

Well.... I think you should come to your topic sooner without dragging too much. You have consumed three sentences to talk about change and it's implications on life. Your topic asks you if you are to change something in your town, what it would be. I feel you need to be focussed to address that.

In my view,ifIf I haveam given a chance to change something important in my hometown I will change the current education system for two reasons. These reasons are to achieve a better level ofimprovement health care, and to decreasedecreasingthe illiterateill effects of illiteracy .
OP yammm95 1 / 1  
Nov 4, 2012   #4
thanks havthoteen ,and dumi for help
I know that i have a trouble with grammar.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Nov 4, 2012   #5
I know that i have a trouble with grammar.

That is something you can fix quickly through learning. However, in essay writing you need more things; good points that are meaningful and relevant to your topic, a good essay structure, a good organization of your ideas.

So you need to pay attention to that aspects as well. : )
We are here to help you with your efforts :D


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