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Is the improvement of schools the most important factor in creating a progressed, thriving country?


sinahector 7 / 34  
Jul 20, 2016   #1
Improving schools is the most important factor in the successful development of a country.

Undoubtedly, with the evolution of humankind over the past several thousand years, man has made tremendous progress in all aspects of life and become more successful. Recent technological advancements have changed the way people live radically and countries all over the world are now investigating new ways to implement in order to be more successful. In this modern society, people always encounter the dilemma on whether the improvement of schools is the most important factor in creating a progressed and thriving country or not. With regards to this question, diverse responses is given. Consequently, it is unfeasible to reach a consensus. Personally, I am on the belief that schools are the prime factors in progress of a country. In the following discussion, I would like to bolster my standpoint.

To begin with, one of the compelling reasons that justifies the thesis is that the very first step in educational process of a person starts with school. To put it in general world, the inception of people formal education are at schools. Bearing in mind the previous claim, the crucial role of schools in our life is an axiom and an indisputable fact. To shed more light on this issue, when we inscribe in school, we undergo a specific system of discipline which produces a system of manners that has a vital effect on shaping a student's behavior and if the school's discipline system acts its role correctly we will have a good mannered and successful society. For instance, when I was at school, I was taught to be at school before 7 o'clock and from that experience I learned the importance of being on schedule that has a significant upshot on my success.

Alongside with the foregone reason that elaborated above, the importance of a team work in a successful society is another point that requires meticulous attention. To clarify, due to the fact that a major part of schools chores are based on collaboration among students, this engenders a sense of team work in all students, that being said, when they grow up (maturate) and take their own significant (momentous) part in society, they cherish the ability of team work and utilize it in order to be more successful and thereby the society benefits as well and becomes more successful. Take my situation at school as an example, I was given a lot of tasks that could be done only by a team and it was impossible to perform them alone. As the time passed I was encountered some tasks that could be done alone but still I tend to do them by my team because I had understood the importance of team work. Doing the same as I grow up, I managed to accomplish a lot of arduous tasks for my country by my team and now I am very successful. Needless to say, I am a member of society that I live in, hence I contributed to country's success as well by applying the method that I learned at school.

There is no unanimity in society on the controversial issue that what the most important element of a prosperous society is. .While it seems hard to reach a universal answer, drawing upon aforementioned reasons, I deem that schools are the chief component of a successful country. To repeat the reasons a good discipline system and team work are prime factors and I think they carry more weight.
huynhngocminh99 4 / 13 9  
Jul 20, 2016   #2
Hi sinahector, is this an ielts essay? If it is, I think you should write a shorter introduction paragraph. It is recommended that with only 3 sentences your essay will be clear and easy to follow.

In this modern society, people always encounter the dilemma on whether the improvement of schools is the most important factor in creating a progressed and thriving country or not. With regards to this question, diverse responses is given. Personally, I am on the belief that schools are the prime factors in progress of a country.

Also, in an ielts test task 2, you are supposed to write a complete essay in only about 40 mins and more than 250 words. Too many words and many sentenses will take you a lot of time ;) but if you can manage it, I think this is great.

There is no unanimity in society on the controversial issue thatofwhat the most important ...

this sentence is too long. You should devide it into 2 sentences.
To clarify, due to the fact that a major part of schools chores ...

Take my situation at school as an example. I was given a lot of tasks that ...
however, to save words , i think you should writefor example, I was given ...
I was given a lot of tasks that could be done ... this sentence is not necessary.
thanks
hope it helps
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 20, 2016   #3
HI Hector, upon reviewing your essay, I must say that the amount of weight you put into writing is absolutely heavy, you made sure that your ideas and opinions on the subject at hand are loud and clear, your willingness to tackle the issue in a bold and significant detail definitely transpired in the essay and this is a good trait of a writer.

What I also notice, is the free flow of information, the logical aspect of your story is nevertheless, very vital in making sure that the story is all in one piece or thought. Sometimes, we tend to write a full length of essay and we are so engrossed in the topic that we tend to go out of the borders of the needed information to strengthen the essay but you made sure that this is all covered.

Furthermore, the group of words you chose to incorporate in your essay are words that, may not be on daily conversations, but are absolutely easy to understand from an average readers view.For the last sentence of the essay, however, below are my thought;

To repeat the reasonsHaving said that, a good discipline system and team work are prime factors and I think theywhich I believe is carrying more weight.

There you have it Hector, I hope my insights helped and are useful in your revision.
justivy03 - / 2,366 607  
Jul 21, 2016   #4
Hi Hector, no worries at all, we are happy that you acknowledge our efforts here on EF, we do strive to provide you with the best and most accurate feedback, in order for you to be able to come up with a strong and confident paper, because remember, what you write reflects the person you are and at the end of the day, what you write on a piece of paper is a graphic representation of your thoughts.

While you're at your revision, mind the minor points that I have mentioned, make sure that all your punctuation marks are in the proper places, the linking verbs are there, as well as the tenses, plural and singular are also cautiously placed in the right order in the sentence.

Overall, I must say that you have the right writing technique that made your essay stand out and I hope you will not stop discovering new techniques in writing as well as expand your understanding in formal and informal writing. Keep writing, cheers!


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