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Writing Task 2: Improving Public Health by Adding Sport Facilities


abangabul93 15 / 27  
Nov 3, 2016   #1
Some people say that the best way to improve public health is by increasing the number of sport facilities. Others, however, say that this would have little effect on public health and other measures are required.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Health is one of the essential part in human lives. Nowadays, there are a couple of measures to enhance public awareness about healthy lifestyle. Some people argue that setting more sport facilities will support them to incline their health level, while others say that it is not always the most effective way to deal with it. This following essay will discuss in detail about both ideas.

On the one hand, some individuals consider that the best way to improve public health level is by providing more sport amenities in the society. This is because it tends to raise public awareness in their healthy life and gives a convenient way to access public sport services. In Jakarta, the government has installed several additional sport facilities in many parks such as jogging tracks, athletic fields, and mini gym to support "Jakarta Sehat 2017" programme. By doing this, many inhabitants can be avoided from any diseases caused by unhealthy lifestyle or sedentary activities such as obesity and hearth attack. As a result, adding public sport facilities lead linear progression in healthy level.

On the other hand, the opponent groups argue that increasing sport center contributes slight effects in public health as they think that there are more effective and important activities such as healthy programmes. Taking Senam Sehat Jakarta as an example. Many governmental institutions require their officers to participate this programme. More broadly, well-prepared healthy program will give more impacts for people to have healthy lifestyle.

All in all, it is clear to me that the government plays a vital role to campaign about healthy awareness for public. So, by combining both healthy programmes and facilities are able to develop public health. (280 words)

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Nov 3, 2016   #2
Hi Abul.
These are my thoughts towards your essay. I have read this closely. In my point of view, you have shown the positive progress. You could build this systematically. However, let me give you a few suggestion to finalize yours.


that it is not always the most effective way

Actually, you have paraphrased the statement well. I really got the points what you mean, but there was a minor meaning. It is different between little effect and "not always the most effective. If I relate to your sentence, Improving the sports facilities sometimes become the best alternative. Be careful of the meaning of the sentences what you paraphrased.

This following essay will discuss in detail about both ideas.

Avoid the sentences like this. It seemed like the hackneyed sentence because a bunch of people uses it. I suggest you mention 1 or 2 words to describe your position on the matter.

On the one hand,(You picked up the linking word inappropriately) some individuals consider (...) by providing more sportS amenities in the society. This is because it tends to raise ENHANCE public awareness in (...) to access public sportS services.

... several additional sportS facilities in many ...
(although you got the simple example, you can guide readers to understand your mind and related to the topic. Good Job)

Many governmental institutions require their officers to participate this programme.

Your explanation about the example is less strong. I have not found the logic flow of your explmanations. Please, you improve this section.

All in all, it is clear to me that the government plays a vital role ...

Really, this is out of the topic. I remember you that when you wanna create the conclusion, you relate to the thesis statement. That is very different.
septiadara29 48 / 67 9  
Nov 4, 2016   #3
Hello! I will give you some opinions about your essay.

You did well in your introduction, but unfortunately your first body paragraph should not use 'on the other hand' for state your first sentence.
'On the other hand' can be used when you state contradiction after explaining the opposite one


(1) On the one hand , some individuals (...) way to improve public healthhealthy lifestyle level is by providing ...
Public health refers to "the science and art of preventing disease, prolonging life and promoting health through organized efforts and informed choices of society, organizations, public and private, communities and individuals."

(2) This is because it tends tothese facilities can help to raise public awareness ...

(3) For example or instance, In Jakarta ....

(4) All in all, it is clear to me that the government ...
Your conclusion start out of topic, because you do not have to mention about the government, but you should emphasize regarding to your idea about providing sport amenities and health programmes


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