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Improving public health: sport places and importance of health

Nov 30, 2010   #1
Some people believe that improve public health should increase the number of sports facilities; others believe that it has little effects and need other measures to improve it. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Public health, in recent years, has been a frequent topic of discussion in many countries. Yet, there remains some disagreement as to the means to an end.

Obviously, sports facilities play a pivotal role in ameliorating the health of the residents. From our own life experience, we can find plenty of evidence to support the view that that swimming pools or tennis courts serve to arouse residents' interest in physical exercise. After all, playing tennis is far more fascinating than just running along the congested roads.

However, some people believe that other measures, such as free education about health, are essential for the improvement of public health. The reasons for this belief may involve the recognition that some health problems are caused mainly by unhealthy lifestyles rather than insufficient sport facilities. To be specific, some city dwellers would rather surf the Internet aimlessly or watch some ridiculous soap operas even if they have easy access to a ticket-free stadium.

I personally think that some facilities like swimming pools contribute greatly to improving physical condition of citizens. Such facilities provide sports amateurs with enormous conveniences and pleasure, while raising public awareness about healthy lifestyles pushes more people to take advantage of government-funded equipment and apparatus. Therefore, two proposals mentioned above are not mutually exclusive. Without sufficient facilities, health education would be neither attractive nor productive, and without health awareness, government investment would be a waste of tax revenue.

In conclusion, only when the sport places are available and when importance of health is instilled into the residents will the government achieve the goal.

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Dec 5, 2010   #2
Yet, there remains some disagreement as to the means to an end. The end we seek is XXXXXXXXX, and the means we use consists of AAAAAA, BBBBBBB, and CCCCCC, but this essay shows that DDDDDDD.

Above, that is what I would like to do to your first paragraph. I think it should be clearer and longer. It should specify the "end" to which you refer, and it should give the main idea of the essay.

The conclusion is too short, too. The conclusion of an essay should "add something extra" by talking about what should be done or what it all means.

But I also want to say that the English and grammar are excellent here! If this essay is intended to contribute a new idea to public health efforts, I don't think it really contributes any new idea, but it DEFINITELY has good English.
Dec 17, 2010   #3
thanks a lot, you are right, i do not present any good ideas, because it is just for IELTS writing, which is focused more on language.

thanks again for your suggestion.

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