Improving my writing skill to adapt to IELTs - both working parents

Question : In today's competitive world, many families find it important for both parents to go out to work. While some say that children in these families benefit from the additional income, others feel they lack support because of their parents' absence.

Discuss both views and give your own opinions (write at least 250 words in 40 minutes)

parents without profit from work and their kids

In the era of technology, it is gradually become more competitive to make money. Hence, in many families both parents decide to go out for work in order to earn more money. This trend has sparked a heated argument. While many people believe that the extra income resulting from that will be advantageous for these families' children, others concede that they are likely to have insufficient parental support. Both views will be clarified hereafter in this essay and I will propose my perspective as well.

It is comprehensible to say that additional earnings profit these children due to some reasons.
The most obvious excuse is that money plays a tremendous role in people's lives. Both parents take up working means that more money are made and they will be able to provide their children with advanced facilities and a better environment. In addition, having higher income also enable children in these family to acquire better education. In fact, a lot of prestigious schools which apply foreign curriculum and provide suitable environment to keep up students' talent often require high intuition fee. Take my village as an example, only one out of the people was able to obtain universities because of the fees required to afford university learnings such as accommodation fees, electric bills.

On the other hand, that both parents go out to work also causes a lack of parental assistance and possibly make children feel isolated. Initially, children in these families will have to learn to live and manage their doings independently since they were young. Additionally, these children are likely to be influenced by the inappropriate contents from TV or peer pressure due to the lack of parental orientation. Parents play an integral role in a child growth, they teach children to distinguish between wrong and right and bring up their moral conscience. Reports show that most perpetrators causing young crimes live in families in which both parents immerse themselves in work and have little time with their children.

In conclusion, the additional earnings made when parents both go out to work provide children many advantages of advanced environment and prestigious education However, the lack of parental orientation may also result in isolation and depravation in moral conscience.

Hello!
There are some improvements I suggest you should do.
1. Grammar: it is gradually becoming more ...
2. You should add more content to your own opinion. This is what the topic required, so it's better to add another paragraph to illustrate your opinion about the statements.

this is my suggestions :
1. Overall, i think you may have to deliver your idea by using complex or compound sentence to make the flow of your sentence running smoothly. it may can improve the coherence of your essay.

2. "Both parents take up ..." = both parents believe that the more they earn money, the more they can advance the facilities of their children.

3. Just give one idea in your body and then give supporting explanations to develop your idea. i just saw that the idea did not develop well.

Spirit and keep writing

Hai, according to your prompt paraphrase, which correctly explained the original prompt, you are going to be clarifying the two public points of view and then propose your perspective regarding the discussion. Your prompt paraphrase is proper and correct. However, the discussion that you presented is incorrect. Right from the first reasoning paragraph, you already used a personal point of view. You never once referred this discussion as being from the first public point of view by indicating "As per the first group's belief..." which tells the reader whose point of view is being discussed. The second set should have said something like "In opposition to that belief, there are people who argue that..." to show that another public pov is referred to. Only after these two references could you have said "After careful consideration, I believe that..." to indicate your own point of view. The example about your village could have only been presented appropriately within your personal pov paragraph, not anywhere else within the essay.

You seem to have a fixation on using an apostrophe when referring to plural forms. That is incorrect. The plural form never requires an apostrophe. However, an apostrophe S is required when referring to ownership. So it is correct to say "families" but not "families'", "students" not "students'". Also, since only person went to college in your town, you should have said "obtained a university degree". One cannot "obtain universities" unless he is extremely rich because your phrase refers to a person buying universities instead of attending a university for higher studies. Be careful of your word presentations as it alters the meaning of a word or phrase.

@ronia85516 @ronia85516
Thank you for your advices

@Holt
Thank you for your curteous advice, i will try my best to improve my self in next threads