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IELTS WRITING TASK 2: the income is a fundamental factor whenever making decision on choosing a job

munomita 1 / -  
Nov 11, 2019   #1

salary is the most important factor when choosing a job

Today, an increasing number of people believe that income is a fundamental factor whenever making decision on choosing a job. While I agree with this viewpoint. I am also of the opinion that there are various elements affect to their choice.

On the one hand, there are justified reasons from those who support that the salary is essential when choosing career. This might be explained by the fact that income is necessary for basic needs in annual life. For instance, we need money to pay housing, food, bills, health care and education. So having a reasonable salary helps your life might be comfortable. If you earn a lower wage than personal demand, you can not concentrate on your job because of nervosity.

Nevertheless, I strongly believe that other considerations are just as important how much money we earn in our jobs. Firstly, the atmosphere in a workplace and interpersonal relationships are extremely vital when choosing a job. It is apparent fact that having a good manager ang friendly counterparts, for instance, can create passionate staffs to make the best result. Secondly, many people's feeling of job satisfaction come from their professional achievement such as the skills they learn and the position they reach, rather than the money they earn.

All in all, while people believe that the salary is the most important factor when making a decision on choosing career. I think that we should not underestimate other elements such as atmosphere and personal relationships.
Maria - / 1,098 389  
Nov 13, 2019   #2
Hi there. Welcome to the forum. Hopefully, all of the feedback you receive here will be useful for your writing endeavors. Should you have more questions, don't hesitate to approach us for additional information.

The first paragraph needs a bit more work. You were unable to fully establish here what the purpose of your writing is. I have noticed that you immediately jumped into giving out opinions without necessarily providing a substantiated formatting. Try to always stick with a firmer introduction to establish the credibility for the rest of your writing.

Furthermore, the opening words that you had used in your body paragraphs (second and third) are quite baffling because of the lack of correlation between the two. Typically, when people use "on the one hand" the next paragraph should have somewhere along the lines of "on the other hand" (however, these are not necessarily bold at the end of the day; you still need to substantiate).

The conclusion also needs to also be enhanced with more elaborate detailing. It is insufficient to just have two sentences to explain the bulk of your content. Try to always be steadfast when you are writing.

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