Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 5

Increasing amount of violence on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior


Yami 1 / 1  
Jul 31, 2013   #1
Please give me feedback about my essay. Thank you very much!

These days, we are seeing an increasing amount of violence on TV, and this is having a negative impact on children's behaviour.
Do you agree or disagree?

________________________________________________________________

Nowadays, the number of violent programs on television is increasing rapidly. There are those who say that could affect negatively how children behave. In my opinion, children should be restricted from watching violence on television due to its pessimistic impacts.

First of all, television with violent shows or channels could easily affects children's characteristics, since they are still at ages of discovering themselves and shaping their own personalities. For example, a small boy often watches movies which include lots of fight-scenes. As a consequence, those action somehow lead him to similar thoughts and behaviour. He then may become aggressive and stubborn, eventhough he used tobe a good-natured boy.

Secondly, it is a truth that children tend to imitate a lot of things they see. And this does not except for violence on television which they watch everyday. As children are not mature and knowledgeable enough to control their mind and manage their orientation, they might feel interested in anything and want to try it once. In many situations, that caused serious problems. For instance, there was a group of teenagers who were arrested as robbers and murders. The point here is that thay said they did this after watching an action film, and they even did not know killing someone is committing crime. It sounds unbelieveable but it happened.

To conclude, for the purpose of satisfying people who are fond of adventure, horror, or detective, more and more violent contents are being performed on television today. But in cases of audiences who are children, those programs really have a lot of disadvantages which affect their behaviour. If adults continue allowing children to watch more violent television programs, we must be seriously worried about whether they would develop themselves the right way.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 31, 2013   #2
There are those who say that could affect negatively on how children behave

In my opinion, children should be restricted from watching violence on television due to itspessimisticadverse impacts.

.... pessimistic is not the right word to use here. It means "expecting the worst outcome". Also this prompt is about whether you agree or not on the statement that violent movies on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior. So, stick to that;

In my opinion, these violent movies can have serious negative effects on children's behavior.
OP Yami 1 / 1  
Jul 31, 2013   #3
There are those who say that could affect negatively ON how children behave
Dear Dumi: I was tought not to use "on" after "affect". I asked many people about this and I believe without "on" is right.

Because i do not want a repeatation of the word "negative" so i try to use another one, but so bad it was not relevent. Thank you very much for your idea :D
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jul 31, 2013   #4
Dear Dumi: I was tought not to use "on" after "affect". I asked many people about this and I believe without "on" is right.

Yep.... looks like you have a point here.

Because i do not want a repeatation of the word "negative" so i try to use another one, but so bad it was not relevent. Thank you very much for your idea :D

I agree that repetition is not very appealing in an essay. However, using a wrong word is worst. If you do not wish to repeat the word "negative" then use a word like "adverse". The word pessimistic is totally inappropriate in this case.
jkjeremy - / 380 72  
Jul 31, 2013   #5
Because i do not want a repeatation of the word "negative" so i try to use another one

You were smart to avoid repeating the word "negative." However, you can't just "use another one."

No two words mean the same thing.

The whole essay is about TV being a "negative" influence.

Each body paragraph needs to deal with a different negative thing:

Tell me (right now if you'd like) what IDEA each body paragraph focuses on. The fact that I can't easily tell indicates that there's a problem.


Home / Writing Feedback / Increasing amount of violence on TV has a negative impact on children's behavior