Hi Eka..
We meet again on this website. In this meeting, I only focus on contents of your writing because you can improve your grammar after you review my suggestions and the others previously. These below are my thoughts.I believe that general people should care about their society
Turning to your thesis statement, you actually have stood out in a position clearly. However, you should mention important factors which you mean. You give underline of your opinion solely because you will explain deeply and clearly in the body paragraph.I BELIEVE THAT THE OWNER SHOULD ALSO PAY ATTENTION TO SOME OF NECESSARY NECESSARY FACTORS SUCH AS KEEPING IN TOUCH WITH CONSUMERS AND .....
... standards has pushed humans to work more
I don't know why you added that sentence. It actually can break the coherence of the paragraph. You should directly explain why the entrepreneurs focus on enhancing their income.... never have socialized with their social community
Be careful of the edge of the task response. That sentence really did not relate to the prompt of the sentence. Please, you aware about that.
In conclusion, working people should have intentions ...
Eka, you conclusion is less strong because you did not show your opinion clearly. I cannot sense your disagreement with the statemen. I suggest you make it clearer so that the conclusion can strengthen your opinion previously.Keep Spirit
GOOD LUCK