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Ielts - increasing demand of cosmetic surgery. 354 words


maryam syed 2 / 4 1  
Apr 17, 2018   #1
TOPIC: INCREASING NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE CHOOSING COSMETOLOGY SURGERY TO IMPROVE THEIR APPEARANCE?WHAT ARE THE REASONS?DO YOU THINK IS IT A POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE DEVELOPMENT?

the popularity of cosmetic surgery - what are the reasons?



Media influence on a society has risen dramatically to such an extent that most people are attracted towards cosmetic surgery to change their outlook.Major reasons for this negative trend are the impact of today's fashion industry on our society and the marriage trend in some countries.

The world of fashion and beauty has a drastic effect on the thinking of today's generation.It does not let us embrace our imperfections.People think that being beautiful from outside is a necessity nowadays.For such reasons, the common men prefer to have great looks.Thus, choosing cosmetic surgery for even minor deformities, such as, to reduce scarring on face, uplifting loose skin, removing facial hairs permanently etc.

The second reason is the marriage criteria in some Asian countries is totally dependent on the looks of an individual.Hence, unwillingly many young people desire to look flawless, so, they can get good proposals.For instance, In Pakistan and India, the rate of marriage is declining because everyone wants a handsome groom or a perfect bride.Rather focussing on their inner beauty and intelligence.Therefore, many youngsters opt for plastic surgery to enhance their features, such as, botox for lips, glutathione injections for fair complexion and minor operations to elaborate their face cuts/facial cuts? etc.Although, people are satisfied by becoming the epitome of beauty but they are ignoring the fact that all surgeries have some complications as well as contraindications too.

consequently, I believe that this new trend is having a negative impact on societies' thinking and development.It is leading to the fact that being natural is not acceptable and a perfect partner is the one who has no imperfection which is not true at all.

To conclude, the two main reasons for the higher demand of cosmetic surgery is the impact of the fashion world and the lust/urge to marry the perfect ones.Thus, having a bad influence on societies' thinking process and making them forget that natural beauty is best for all and people should adore/love their imperfections with confident.

nidaa91 2 / 4  
Apr 17, 2018   #2
It so happened that I just posted my essay on the same topic lol! Anyway I really like how you tackled the topic. Personally I couldn't think of such precise example but yours are quite to the point.

"consequently, I believe [...]" I don't know if this was a good stand alone paragraph. Maybe it would've been better to sum it up with the conclusion?

Another thing is that you started talking with "Media" but you never ended bringing it up and expanding on it.

I would really appreciate if you would evaluate my version!
Holt [Contributor] - / 8,577 2488  
Apr 18, 2018   #3
Maryam, you focused so much on presenting more English words in your essay within the word count rather on the quality of your presentation. I always tell the students this repeatedly, "You do not have to write more than 250 words to get an excellent score in the IELTS. You have to write 250 vocabulary appropriate, proof-read, edited, and properly developed words to comprise your essay instead." Writing almost 400 imperfectly presented sentences, improperly spelled words, or incorrect vocabulary word usage in your essay will only serve to lower your overall score to perhaps a non-passing level. That is the problem with the essay that you wrote.

You are starting off paragraphs with small letter instead of capitalized words, you misspelled "focusing" and you used casual writing terms such as "etc." in what is generally an academically worded presentation. You showed a lack of editing and proof reading skills. You present punctuations marks such as the question mark in the middle of a sentence and then follow it up with "etc." showing that you were careless, haphazard, and not really interest in anything other than writing more than the word count and hoping that you could pass the test that way.

If you at least bother to proof read the essay and correct the errors before you submit it for a grade you will show respect for the examiner and a sense of care about the score that you will be getting. Writing just the minimum amount of words, but taking care to submit a proper essay will always get a higher score than someone who wrote more than the minimum but did not make an effort to turn in (almost) perfect paper for scoring.
OP maryam syed 2 / 4 1  
Apr 18, 2018   #4
Hi sir.I am so sorry.actually, by putting question marks I wanted to ask that which word is more suitable. face cuts/facial cuts? lust/ urge, adore/love ?

sir, when I write an essay of approx 270 words then teachers say me that you should present your idea in detail that's why this time I explained a lot.

Thank you for correcting me.Kindly evaluate my essay again if possible and tell me my mistakes.Next time, I will ask at the end of paragraph what I really wanted to ask.thankyou so much.
jommiejr 3 / 8 1  
Apr 18, 2018   #5
Your body paragraphs should be equally developed so that the examiner will know that you can support your reasoning well enough. Be careful with enumerating examples because they would think that you are doing it to increase your word count. Rather get one example and fully develop it in a single sentence. The ideas are good but you need to fix your paragraphing style. Personal pronouns should also be avoided on body paragraph only in the introduction and conclusion.

Hope this helps.


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