Tran, the immediate problem that I saw with your essay is that it is not as close to the original as it should be because you focused on beginning the discussion of your response rather than familiarizing the reader with the prompt discussion and its related questions first. Let me show you a sample of a more applicable paraphrase.
The rise of the current generation of youth in terms of control and impact in the 21st century when compared to the past eras of young people has created a question regarding this growing trend. I believe that this is happening because... Therefore, the impact it has between the previous generation and the current young generation is...Do not use 2 topics in one paragraph. Your first topic will always be better developed than the second topic because these share a 5 sentence maximum count. Focus on a proper explanation of one topic in one paragraph. You have a total of 3 body paragraphs allotted for your discussion. Maximize its use by discussing one topic per paragraph, you will create a better explanation and presentation for each reason. In this essay, you discussed 2 topics in the second paragraph and I found myself unsettled by the way that your reasoning was portrayed as uneven and incomplete in the said paragraph.
Your concluding paragraph is not an appropriate concluding summary because you added a new topic for discussion at the end of it.
Such change has made the relationship between young and old generations more equal. This appears to be a positive change since it allows generations to nurture more understanding in the inter-generation relationship.
This created an open ended rather than concluded final essay paragraph instead. Use the concluding paragraph in the proper manner, that of a concluding summary that highlights the discussion points and a restatement of the prompt and your opinion in a newly worded manner as the closing sentences instead.