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[IELTS Writing] Increasing number of consumed sugar-based drinks? Why? What can be done to reduce?

thuhavu 1 / 1  
Jun 11, 2020   #1
Thank you so much for your feedbacks! I really appreciate it

more sugar-based drinks in the market than ever

Coming out as one of the highest caught illness in the world - diabetics has raised a number of concerns among health experts but clearly not the consumers. As the quantity of consumed sugar-based drinks continues increasing intensively. This essay will discuss the possible reasons and suggest solutions to tackle the aforementioned situation.

Factors contributing to the growth of sweat drinks consuming rate varies widely to different parties including manufactures, advertisements and consumers themselves. The size of the market providing bottled drinks is getting larger every day, there are more than one thousand types of drinks being sold in supermarkets, automatic drink booths installed in public and universities. With the power of advertisements which provides false information of nutrition values of those drinks, combined with its convenience and availability, sweetened drinks attract customers at every age. Leading as a part of this is the subjective attitude of people who not only do not considerately search for true values of this drink but also ignore the advice of doctors and helpful news from reliable sources. As the consumers have the tendency of favoring cheap and tasty drinks rather than paying more to get healthy expensive drinks.

Fortunately, this situation can be addressed by various measures. There should be stricter and transparent conditions of advertising control towards sugar-based drinks, whereby the information broadcasted would be less exaggerated, which also helps to reduce the number of advertisements. Therefore, when it comes to decisions, customers would not affected by the curiosity raised by watching advertisements, and consider the drinks based on the actual quality. Moreover, analyzing articles or news about the harmful effects of sweetened drinks should be prioritized to reach larger readers and more frequently in order to raise the awareness of consumers. The government can play an important role in restricting the production of those drinks by laying higher tax on them and encouraging manufacturers to produce more healthy drinks. This would change the price and limit the presence of sweetened drinks, which surely make a great impact on customer's habit of choosing low price or random picks.

Although sugar-based drinks sometimes can be a good choice because of its tasty and low price, overuse of those drinks would cause serious health debility. Therefore, it is responsibility of the whole society and government to apply plausible solutions to limit people consuming this unhealthy types of drinks.

Short summary
There are more and more sugar-based drinks in the market than ever.
It is advertised to give energy and provide vitamin which is good for the health
It is cheap and tasty and being sold everywhere, easy to find
How to reduce?
Spread the knowledge, provide the information about the harmful effects of sugar-based drinks
Produce healthy drinks
Rise tax so the price of sugar-based drinks would be higher

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,804 2614  
Jun 11, 2020   #2
You have only 40 minutes to write this task. You should not be writing more than 275-290 words for this task. That is the appropriate word count for maximized scoring potential based upon how well your spellcheck, edit, revise, and proof-read your essay.

As you paraphrase the original prompt, you must remember that you are scored on the accuracy of your information. There was no indication of a reference to Diabetes in the original discussion. Nor where you asked in the instruction to refer to an illness cause by unreasonable soda intake. So there was no need to change the prompt discussion topic to include health hazards. The only topics to be discussed in the essay are the reasons for the increased intake and what can be done to reduce the intake. Only 2 discussion reasons, Diabetes has nothing to do with the discussion. The inclusion of that reference will lower your TA score.

The reference word is "soft drinks" not sweat drinks. Or perhaps you meant to say "sweet drinks:"? It would be better if you simply refer to the drink through its more commonly known reference "soda". Your LR and GRA score will be negatively affected by each wrong word usage you present in your essay.

You are too focused on providing reasons and solutions. None of your explanations and topics are properly developed, explained, and justified. You are always just saying the reason, without a proper explanation. Use only one topic per question response paragraph. That way you can properly develop the discussion in reference to:

- Topic
- Reason
- Explanation
- Example
- Justification of example

That is the format required for each question. 5 simple sentences. No run on sentences as you have developed in your current paragraphs. Do not over analyze, do not over explain. An extra long essay is not going to get you a passing score. Instead, it will make your grammar shortcomings and errors more noticeable. A short essay, with properly used vocabulary and clear explanations will also score better than an essay that is meant to simply show the examiner the range of your English vocabulary. You are not scored on vocabulary alone. You have to pass all the criteria in order to get a passing score and at the moment, your essay does not meet all the requirements for a passing overall score.
OP thuhavu 1 / 1  
Jun 11, 2020   #3
@Holt Thank you so much for you feedback. It helps me a lot.

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