More and more students
Avoid the use of non-academic, memorized phrases such as this one. It is not only an exaggeration of the original prompt, but it also does not offer a logical point of view based on the given topic. Rather than saying "more and more", you could have instead said "There are some students..." Such a reference is academic and non-sensational in presentation. It shows a logical line of thinking without going overboard in your sentiment.
I will commend your response to the questions provided though. You have created a well thought out response to the questions that clearly indicate what your upcoming reasoning discussions will be about. This is an effective thesis statement even though the grammar is not perfect. The grammar is not so much of a problem though since your thought process is still easily understood by the reader.
japan, china,
Kindly remember the noun usage rules. Proper nouns covering the names of people, places, and things are always capitalized. Be careful and ensure that you follow English grammar use guidelines to avoid heavy GRA deductions in your individual scoring segment.
etc
Non-academic word. Do not use these terms as it is seen as a lazy form of writing in an academic setting. It is frowned upon and will affect your C+C scores.
Many students cannot do well at learning they may feel useless when they have to continue wasting money on high school without gaining any.
This is an unclear reference. The money part refers to parents, it does not refer to pressure on students. It is more than likely you did not translate this sentence properly from your local language, which is why you delivered an incoherent statement.
You need to add more punctuation practice work during your writing exercise time. There are several instances of missing or incorrect punctuation usage in your essay. These will have direct negative effects on your GRA score. Do better in these areas to ensure less deductions during the actual test.