Hello guys, this is an essay I've written recently. I hope you guys can give me a remark on my writing. Thanks a lot!
IELTS Task 2 - Young people commiting crime
Crimes committed by young people are increasing in major cities throughout the world. Discuss the causes and how to solve this problem.
In this day and age, the increasing rate of young people embarking on crimes is becoming a pressing concern. In this essay, I will enlist possible factors triggering this problem and recommend some measures to alleviate it.
There are many causes contributing to the alarming percentage of young criminals. First of all, it can be attributed to the lack of attention and appropriate education from parents. Some of them are in the habit of overindulging their children or giving little care to their social awareness, creating an opportunity for bad behaviours to form. Moreover, the boom of Internet and social networking sites can be seen as a culprit. This leads to the unbridled spread of deleterious thoughts and beliefs implanted in young people and incite them to committing crime.
Effective solutions should be taken to mitigate this issue. First, a joint effort from parents and schools should be made to keep detrimental behaviours away from children. Enlightening campaigns to raise their awareness of crimes should be conducted at school while parents can keep a stricter way of education and make immediate interventions when potential signs of crimes are detected. Furthermore, it is crucial that authorities should control the flow of information on the Internet. For example, they can hire Internet experts to keep track of posts, videos and pages spreading moral deterioration and delete them as soon as possible.
In conclusion, there are a variety of factors resulting in a climb in the number of young criminals. It is of paramount importance that steps should be taken from many sides to prevent the situation from spiralling out of control.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175
The restatement is not related to the original presentation. The real topic makes a statement about worldwide crime rates. It never infers that the subject is a pressing concern. The prompt restatement is a failure. As far as the whileis s is concerned, the required discussion topic outline that establishes the writer's opinion is also not represented. The restatement + personal opinion paragraph does not deliver the correct response format. The topic is incorrect as well. This paragraph is non-passing which means, the essay will start from a failing base score. This essay is not going to recieve a passing end score.
The paragraphs lose cohesiveness and coherence due to the improper discussion development. To create the best presentation use the following format:
Sentence 1: Cause
Sentence 2: Reason
Sentence 3: Related solution
Sentence 4: Implementing explanation
Sentence 5: Supporting explanation / Example
Use the format twice using different representing topics. 1 topic covering cause and solution per paragraph will meet the C + C requirements.
I recommended writing paragraph 1 and paragraph 4 first if you afraid that you can't stick to the original topic. In that way, any off topic sentences can be easily discovered and revised.
in the 2rd paragraph, there is a grammar mistake, "some of..., creating...", I recommend you should change into "some of,...this creating..."