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Ielts task 2 - An increasing trend of living or studing abroad

Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 25, 2017   #1
The prompt says: These days, more and more people are going to another country for significant periods of time, either to find a job or to study. There are clearly many benefits to doing this, but people who live abroad can also face some difficulties. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages of living and working in the foreign country.

The life/work outside of the home country

Nowadays, an increasing number of people are concerned about living and studying and working overseas. While spending the meaningful periods of time abroad is profitable, especially the young generation, they have to deal with hardship which probably happens. This essay will discuss the profits and the drawbacks of moving to another country.

Living abroad has so many positive aspects which are really impressive. The first greatest merit of living and working oversea is to boost the knowledge which is really important for whatever purposes. For example, every year, while the demand of finding the job is increasing, the chance to get the career is enormously decreasing, so to have a good job is not really easy. People go to another country to study and get necessary certifications which are required in the job application. Therefore, people will improve their living standard, with a better life.

Secondly, not only is living in the foreign country to boost the knowledge but also it helps people become independent and mature. Living away from family, people need to be able to possess the basic skills which meet their need, for example how to do chores. If they do not know that, they have done research or practice themselves to prepare for their own future simply because they can't rely on anyone. After the periods of time, they are confident and have a guarantee that they grew up and can live alone.

On the other hand, living abroad can lead so many disadvantageous problems. Firstly, the most serious problem is that people can't adapt to a new and strange environment. For example, nostalgia is the factor that is able to have a bad effect on human's life, especially the youth who have not been far away from their family can't pay attention to study or work. Consequently, receiving the bad result, they feel tragic because of wasting time and money.

Similarly, culture shock is the second dangerous drawback. For example, there are so many differences from language to ways of life. If they can't get used to and keep pace with them, they will isolate themselves from society, which is really hazardous because they will suffer from consequences relating mentality.

To conclude, living abroad which has the balance between the positive and negative aspects is not really easy. Personally, I think people need to prepare from strong spirit to knowledge about that country and basic skills before going to the foreign country.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,853 2637  
Mar 25, 2017   #2
To, towards the conclusion, you used the term "personally" which indicates that you opinion was being asked for in the essay. The prompt you provided did not indicate the need for a personal opinion. Therefore, your conclusion should not have reflected a personal opinion, only a generalized point of view regarding the situation. The overall essay doesn't really have much problems aside from a need for you to learn to use transition sentences in a proper manner. Sometimes, your paragraphs lack a clear thought progression but that is alright because your thought process is clear anyway. That is not to say that you should not practice thought progression though. You absolutely must try to develop a chronological thought presentation in all your essays. This essay shows some more improvement in your essay writing development. I believe that you can score a 5 at the most with this essay. Keep up the good work and try to avoid the mistakes that you made in this particular essay in the future.
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Mar 26, 2017   #3
Hi Maitouyen, these below are my corrections for finalizing this essay.

Firstly, you actually displayed your overview, However, if you wanna get a higher score, you should mention drawbacks and benefits which you will explain in the body paragraph, represented in a short sentence. You don't need to include its reasons, only keyword of your view. Following this, I reckon you have not got the meaning of prompts given. You are supposed to review benefits what they can get while working in another country, not to come back from overseas. That I found at the example you gave in the first body paragraph. You failed to show a logical flow to present your view.

Generally, the body paragraph consists of two or three paragraphs. However, you wrote those over. It's better on condition that you marge between the first and second paragraph, and between the third and fourth paragraph. After that, please you avoid making a contraction in the essay. That might be a minor error, but that can reduce your score more if you make many contractions. For your conclusion paragraph, you should create it from paraphrasing the thesis statement. Besides that, you don't include your personal statement in this essay beacuse the question does not ask you.

Hopefully, those can help you
yuukinohan4 9 / 24 6  
Mar 26, 2017   #4
hi @Maitouyen282

about living and studying and working overseas.

better if you change and to be comma before 'studying'

Firstly, the most serious problem is that people can't adapt to a new and strange environment.

In academic essay, you have to avoid using contractions, i found many on yours.
It is clear that you have multiple ideas both advantages and disadvantages so that you divide them to make it really clears for readers. However, the last body paragraph has a pretty short sentences in which you can put into the third body paragraph as the further explanations.

hope it helps you...

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