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TOEFL Independent Essay - to attract tourists: improve safety or improve buildings?


mashup 2 / 2  
Sep 6, 2015   #1
Hello there,
Just finished a recent TOEFL writing practice (topic included), test is coming up in a few days, I need your feedback on sentences and advice on my writing skills. Please feel free to make comments and suggestions on my work (...would be nice if anyone can point out the problems with my write-up and also ways I can make meaningful improvements...)

Any help will be greatly appreciated...
Thank you so much in advance.

TOEFL Independent Writing Topic:
Do you agree or disagree? In order to attract more tourists, government should improve the safety by hiring more police or improve the appearance by improving the old buildings and streets.

Attracting more tourists not only facilitates the tourism of the country, but also benefits the transmission of the local culture. However, for the sake of increasing tourists, government will look stupid if it try to improve safety by hiring more police or improve the appearance of the old buildings and streets.

First, the increase of the number of police only will work out for a very transient time and actually the most essential way to improve the safety is to raise the standard of social welfare. Only after all citizens can make a basic living, will they not have the tendency to commit crime or incite chaos in the country. And this will also give tourists a impression of the society harmony and then encourage them to visit the country. That is why government should focus on social welfare instead of merely add more police.

Second, the history of the whole nation or country is based on the old architectures and streets. If the appearance of these old buildings and streets changes, the fascination of these historic treasures will completely vanish, and we will lose the chance to trace the ancestors' memories. In other words, what really lures hundreds of thousands of tourists to pay their visit to the country will be ruined once the government decides to improve the appearance of these old things. Therefore, actually the measure even has a opposite effect to reach the government's goal.

What's more, I think there are many other ways can help attract more tourists. For example, it is a good idea for government to support the study on the traditional culture which can dig out the core of spirits passed generation after generation in the country. Also, government should pay great effort to transmit the local culture all over the world by various tools like TV programs and culture colleges in foreign countries. In conclusion, I believe the proposed two ways in the statement are so limited that they could not work out at all.

Bayuwibowo 48 / 73 21  
Sep 7, 2015   #2
Hi Mashup..

However, In my opinion for the sake of increasing tourists, government will look stupid if it try to improve safety by hiring more police or improve the appearance of the old buildings and streets.

Actually the most essential way to improve the safety is to raise the standard of social welfare.

here is my suggestion :
with raising the standard of social welfare, the government automatically hand over that safety issues.

Good Luck!!


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