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TOEFL Independent Writing:Nowadays, it is much easier to achieve success with help from one's family


joetuanlt 1 / -  
Aug 13, 2016   #1
With the rapid advancement in every aspect of the society, the function of family also simultaneously varies. Along this background comes the endless and heated debate; is it more likely for people to reach success with the aid of his family nowadays? As for me, I contend that this statement is undoubtedly true.

To begin with, no more than the past, the society now is more money-oriented. Well goes the saying, "Money can't get you everything, but without money you are nothing"; that is to say, you get to accomplish various tasks with money. And if one's family can give him financial support unconditionally, he is definitely abler to do things perfectly. For instance, people born in a silver spoon with his mouth need not worry about his life condition. Then, in his job career, he can do things more smoothly on the account of his financial creditability. It is strongly believed that freedom from the pressure of money, there are better chances to triumph and that's what majority of the families in the past couldn't achieve.

In addition, people placed relatively more stereotypes or discriminations on one another, compared to these nowadays. With the concept of equity enhancing, people get to treat one another more equally and are more willingly to render aids to others. It is widely acknowledged that there were racial discriminations in US in the nineteenth century and the rank hierarchy in old China. Nevertheless, since the barriers have been broken, the relationships between people are easier to establish. At this, family plays a big role to give one a hand. Family members can help one asking their peers and friends for help, which manifests the strength of social network. After all, a friend of my friend is also my friend.

Last but not least, it is known that kids had to totally obey to what their parents told them to do and had no chance to resist due to strict family rules. Yet this concept has been revolved and family members nowadays assist each other mutually. Receiving the beneficial advice from family members, people commit less blunders and are thus easier to succeed.

In a nutshell, the arguments aforementioned reinforces my belief that the assistances of family members are bound to lead them to the pier of a rosy future.

(giving any kind of suggestions is welcomed!)

ekalamarsyari11 72 / 108 9  
Aug 14, 2016   #2
hello joe
i would like to correct your essay

For instance, people born in a silver spoon with his mouthneed not worry about his life condition.
firstly, in this sentence you put two verb so, you have to add a conjunction
secondly, you are not consistent because you said 'people' as first subject but you changed it with pronoun 'his'
and last it's hard to understand
this is my suggestion
For instance, someone who born in a worth family should have a secure future.

it should be better for you to explore many english words and try to accustome to their collocations

i believe that you can improve your skill,
i hope that you please to correct my essay too
Lansium 4 / 9 2  
Aug 14, 2016   #3
Hi joetuanlt,

As for the second paragraph, I get your idea that families can help someone by giving him/her a hand to network people. But I don't think it is logical to infer from less discrimination today that families' help can do a big favor to someone.

Why don't you write about the other aspects of families' support like emotional support and learning support?

Hope this can be helpful to you.
Faridadwi18 67 / 104 13  
Aug 15, 2016   #4
Hi joe,

- For instance, peoplesomeone who was born in a silver spoon with his mouth needwealth family do not need to worry about his life conditionfuture .

- aforementioned? before mentioned?

Hopefully it helps.


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