Hello, this is my essay for TOEFL writing task. Please, evaluate it for me. Any suggestions are appreciable.
If you can give me an estimated score, I will be gratefull.
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school. Use specific reasons and examples to support your position.
Learning a second language early
As everything in life is like a coin that has two dissimilar sides, people must weigh the pros and cons before jumping to conclusions. After all each and every question or topic must require careful deliberation in that there are always two multiple variables to the truth. Some people may adamantly believe that children don't have the obligation to learn foreign language when they are in the primary school. But I think such opinion lack coherence to some extent. In my humble opinion, Young students must take courses and learn foreign language when they are about eight or nine years old for the following reasons.
First and foremost, the majority of individuals would agree with the notion that learning a foreign language is significantly important to the adolescents as they will have an open-mind to learn a lot of things that isn't exist in their mother tongue language. The main reason behind this rationale is that when students in earlier ages learn two or more languages will lead to myriad of advantages. To illustrate more thoroughly, my sister Jessy is in the Maria Auzelia school and they learn: Arabic, English, and Francis. There was a trip the last week; she was sitting on pins and needles waiting for the lucky students who will go to California and try this outstanding experience. Two weeks later, the results appeared and she was in the crew who will travel. As, she speaks English pretty well, her communication with people out there was effortless for her. In addition to this, when they visited Harvard university to talk to the counselors and professors, it wasn't tough to every single student to communicate with them. So, as she learned the language and how to communicate with the others in their own language, she was comfortable when she was there. All in all, we shouldn't and can't overlook learning foreign language is tremendously important for the young-age people.
On top of this, if the students didn't learn second language and be proficient in it, it can lead to unfavorable ramifications. In the eyes of many people in present day society, the students who don't care about learning and getting knowledge form other countries by learning their languages isn't preferable to lots of people. A great example of this would be my friend peter, the student who don't know anything about the entire world because of his unawareness. We were in a trip to the museum in Cairo and the instructor was talking in English. All of the individuals in the seminar were understanding every single word except Peter. This mainly due to the fact that he didn't grow himself in language when he was in childhood so he is now suffering because of this. Long story short, it's clear as a day to me that, we have an obligation to learn new languages and be experts on it because we will gain a lot of advantages in the future. Also, every mother and father must teach their children the importance of learning.
In summation, yes, it is virtually impossible to give a complete satisfying answer to an open-ended question. Although the jury may be out of the given essay topic, we can reach mutual agreement that every bloke and student must learn the main four skills in one or two language above his own.Hi, this is a great essay. You are able to deliver your idea with good vocabulary, but I detect some grammar issues, let me show you:
As everything in life is ... I think it is better we delete "as" in this sentence.
... in that, there are ...
... children don't do not have the ... school. But, but ... lack of coherence ...
-We cannot write don't in formal academic essay, change to be "do not".
-Better make those two sentences became one sentences, so your sentence transforms to be compound sentence.
In my humble opinions, Young students must ...
-Better you delete this phrase because this is speaking phrase I think, you may use this essay believes
So, as she ...
-We cannot put So in the beginning of sentence, you may use therefore, hence or as a result.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,797 
4780 Steven, this being your first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay, I am not going to score it. I never do that with the first time writers because the first essay written to almost always get a failing score due to the writer's unfamiliarity with the Task 2 writing requirements. That is highly evident in your case.
For starters, you need to understand the required content of each paragraph in a Task 2 essay. The paragraphs should be written as follows:
Par. 1 - Prompt paraphrase, no reasons presented, just a simple response to the question being asked.
Par. 2 - First set of supporting reasons
Par. 3 - Second set of supporting reasons or example presentation
Par 4 - Additional reasons / examples (optional)
Par. 5 - Concluding summary
All of these paragraphs need to have a completely developed discussion using only 3-5 sentences each. That is the actual requirement for task accuracy, GRA, and coherence scoring presentations. Also, try to write no more than 275-300 words because you still need to have time to edit and revise your essay during the actual test. Remember that you will be writing using the pen and paper method so you will not be able to write such a detailed and long essay. Always use a timer when writing to help you determine exactly how many words you are capable of writing for each task, without creating an unfinished essay. Believe me, you won't be able to write 557 words during the actual test. So you have to get used to writing under time pressure to make sure you allot enough time for the completion of each writing task.
Your essay is very informative and really shows your understanding of the prompt topic. The problem, is that you are not yet familiar with the writing styles for Task 2 essays. That is why I am strongly suggesting that you read the various Task 2 essays available at this forum to help you become familiar with the writing style, the common writing problems for the tasks, and how it is easily resolved. As per your writing style here and with your other non IELTS related essays, I have a feeling that you will be on your way to scoring at least a 7.5 in no time.
This is not IELTS task. This is TOEFL, which has different writing rubrics. I appreciate your response, but can you evaluate it from the TOEFL side not IELTS?
Thanks for you help.
