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TOEFL Independent Essay Sample ( The influence of information's availability in today's world )

SFTBNWH11 3 / 4 5  
Dec 23, 2017   #1
Prompt: The widespread use of the internet has given people access to information on a level never experienced before. How does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?

widespread information effects

Nowadays, we live in an environment where privacy is a myth. The world has experienced technology advancements never encountered in any other time throughout history. These inventions, the Internet for example, provides widespread and easy-to-access information. Thus, Does this increase in the availability of information influence life in today's world?

As intriguing and admirably inventive as the easy access to information seems, the Internet, treated as an unusual phenomenon, might showcase some incontrovertibly dangerous effects on life nowadays.

Privacy has been brutally invaded. Private life events, achievements, relationships and even work status has become available to all. Hence, anyone has the ability to figure out anyone's responsibilities and engagements and even manipulate them through the little details overtly unfolded to the world.

Aside from privacy invasion, the information we often have a contact with can represent a bad influence on our lives as it detects our interests and analyze our occupations to create a profile of all the attachments we have. Therefore, our choices can be manipulated and our personalities can be altered, usually negatively to make us greedier or much more tense and uncaring in our day-to-day lives.

To conclude, the free and enormously widespread information has substantial benefits for researches and human communication. Yet, we must avoid the causes of harm it creates.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,301 3344  
Dec 24, 2017   #2
Majd , your opening statement thesis is a cut and paste of the original prompt. That will result in a lower scoring consideration for you because, while you did show that you understood the topic for discussion, you do not have the English vocabulary skills that will allow you to restate the thesis in your own words. This will result in a lower scoring consideration for your discussion requirement. Let me show you how this should have been presented in your paper:

The internet has redefined the way people across the world access information. The fact that data is now readily available for anyone who needs it is believed to have allowed the internet to have more significance in the way people go about their daily business. I believe that the internet has become more important in our everyday lives because it helps people make informed decisions regarding important decisions they make on a daily basis.

You have to give a direct response to the question you were given because that will form the thesis statement of your essay. You do not need to restate the question because that does not really lay the foundation for your response explanation throughout the essay. By the way, have a constant minimum of 3 sentences per paragraph so that you can explain yourself in a more coherent manner. Your second paragraph doesn't really help your essay move forward because the discussion is too short for the presentation.

Don't forget that you need to use transition sentences between the paragraphs in order to keep the connection of each paragraph discussion connected to your previous presentation. You don't offer that in this essay which is why the discussion seems highly abrupt, and not very cohesive although it is coherent to a certain extent. Your concluding statement does not reflect the correct discussion as originally presented. So your concluding statement created a prompt deviation. All of these mistakes can add up to result in a failing score or a barely passing presentation. It all depends upon the more minute requirements of the examiner when it comes to scoring considerations.
naseernasrati 14 / 33 10  
Dec 24, 2017   #3
i think you did not studied the strategies for TOEFL independent essay.
overall for toefl questions you can get a good score with using some strategies and structures.
for writing question 2 as well you need to know some strategies and follow them to get a good score in this question.
here i will show you an example.
your entire essay should contain five paragraphs.
introduction, three body paragraphs and conclusion.
for introduction, in the first write a general statement that shows your inclination to the answer of the question and then write a transition such as ( as far as i am concerned i claim that ...) and then try to predict about three major points that you want to write three body paragraphs about them.

the next three body paragraphs: start the first sentence by saying something general about the first point that you predicted in the introduction paragraph and then supporting details, examples and reasons. and at the end of each body paragraph write a (cause and effect) sentence.

and finally write your conclusion by paraphrasing your side from introduction and three points.

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