Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 6

TOEFL independent writing - Why go to university?


yauyau727 1 / 1  
Nov 10, 2017   #1

benefits of studying



Attending college and university has always been many people dream and it is a bridge for student to be more independent and sophisicated before get into the society. There are three main reasons for people to join college or university, experiencing the study-life, learning knowledge and preparing future career.

First of all, as all people saying that study-life is the most happiest moment in our life journey, experiencing study-life before get into the society is a must. Universities and colleges playing the role of small community in real life, there are hundreds of small society group in the campus. For instance, music society, geography society, sport society and so on. Student can explore new interest via attending the activities and events held by the society.

Secondly, university professor and tutor teach knowledge on specific topics and major. For student want to assimilate deeper knowledge of specific subject such as Social Science, Astronomy or Geography, they need to attend the lecture in university or college. In other words, going university not only can let the student focus on distinct subject, but also increase the ability of working after graduate.

Lastly, universities and colleges provide more specific subject course that help student prepare their future career. Student can understand the industry by joining the lecture and in-class tutorial. Moreover, many programs usually have different out-class activities, such as visiting related company, study trips and workshops. On the other hand, internship and exchange program even broaden their horizons and it is a good chance for them to meet other student with similar study background.

Holt - / 7,527 2001  
Nov 10, 2017   #2
Yau, I am not sure about the prompt that you are trying to respond to. You forgot to include the original prompt with the posting of your response so you have me at a disadvantage here. I have no rules or considerations to go by in assessing your work. The prompt was supposed to help me do that. Without it, I am not sure about how to rate your work. Please remember to attach it next time.

As of now, I can tell you that the paragraphs are confusing in terms of content. I am confused as to what the actual topic sentences are. I am also lost as to whether or not your discussions apply to the given prompt. From the looks of it, you could be on track, based on the title that you used, but I can't be sure. The discussions you present don't sound like they have been fully discussed in the prompts because you are presenting way too much information per paragraph, without actually explaining these assumptions. It would be best if you always present one idea and the fully explain that reason instead. It removes the confusion and better directs the content of the paragraph.

I repeat, these are just general observations due to the lack of the prompt requirement. I assure you that I will be able to better measure your work abilities with your second essay. Provided you remember to provide the prompt with your second essay.
Qianting 3 / 9 1  
Nov 11, 2017   #3
Some points in grammar:
Universities and colleges are playing/play ... real life, .tThere are hundreds ...
Students can explore new interests via attending ...

Also, I think each paragraph needs to be fully explained after a topic sentence (Give one topic sentence per paragraph), followed by examples based on your own experience.
vmathaia 1 / 1  
Nov 11, 2017   #4
Fixing grammatical errors. Lines in italic are my comments for you.

"Attending college and university has always been many people's dream and. it College (and University) is a bridge for student to be more independent and sophisicated sophisticated before they get into the society. "

"First of all Firstly, as all people saying it is said that ... moment in our one's life journey, experiencing study-life life in college before one gets into the society is a must."

When you have secondly and lastly in other paragraphs, for consistency sake we must use firstly and not first of all.

Universities and colleges playing the role of a small community in real life, there are and the hundreds multitude of small society groups, such as music, geography and sport societies, in the campus further adds to the sense of community. For instance, music society, geography ...

Hundreds of societies in a college is just plain wrong. Multitude is a better word to show the scale. The last sentence quoted above is wrong as you were just giving nouns without completing the sentence. I incorporated it into the previous sentence.

For student who want to assimilate ......

... going university can let the student not only focus ...

Moved the noun (in green ) from inside the not only...but also to out of it ... be valid for but also part of the phrase.
OP yauyau727 1 / 1  
Nov 13, 2017   #5
@Holt
Thank you for your comment, the topic of this question is "People attend college or university for many reasons (for example, new experience, career preparation, increased knowledge). Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reason or experience to support your answer.

@vmathaia
@Qianting
Thank you for your respon!!
chinkybehl22 10 / 25 4  
Nov 13, 2017   #6
Please find below the sentence correction which I would like to make:

... is a bridge for the students to be ... and sophisicated sophisticated before getting into the society.

This essay lack conclusion, please find below the conclusion which can be added to the essay:

To conclude, the actual reason for attending a college or university can be different among individuals. In my opinion, students attend these institutions to shape up their career and to have a secure future. As in the current era, university degree is a prerequisite for employment in all the organisations.


Home / Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing - Why go to university?