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"Individualism in a society that focuses on branding in young people."


scotmi 1 / -  
Oct 10, 2015   #1
Hi Everyone. Please may you critique my essay for English class that is seen below.

"A dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream"
We live in a society that is media driven. Our thoughts and opinions are moulded by what we see on the television, what we hear on the radio and what we read in the newspapers. We are constantly bombarded with stereotypes and the ideals of whom and what we should be are constantly shoved down our throats by the media, big brands and conglomerates that thrive on conformity. The people who challenge these social ideals are often ostracised and are given derogatory names such as weird and nerd. However, it is these people that the world relies on.

Barbie is a perfect example of social conditioning. Barbie dolls are extremely underweight, have a disproportional body shape, are highly aesthetically and physically driven, conceited and communicate a message of sexualisation and objectification towards women. A girl's first toy is often a Barbie and their messages are continuously perpetuated in a young women's life. It comes as no surprise to me that young women develop far more eating disorders than men and that there are so few woman in maths and science due to the objectification and social conditioning they experience in their youth. It's only with the recent rise of feminism that these ideals are being seriously challenged.

The media and big brands thrive on conformity and mindlessness. Fashion trends come and go and we see people scrambling to buy clothes in order to fit in, in order to be cool and to not be seen as seen as an outcast. The music industry further exemplifies this. Songs are written according to standard sonic template, one that focuses on a large number of hooks and choruses and lyrical themes of escapism, which has remained relatively stagnant for the last 20 years. A large portion of today's pop songs are written by balding, middle aged Scandinavian men. These songs are then shoved down the throats of consumers via money and brute force marketing by the major record labels. These pop songs are mass produced (there are often huge legal cases of copyright infringement), sold and then quickly forgotten. In a society that demands instant gratification and a lack of thought these songs supply it. If we as a society are not able to develop our own music tastes how will we be able to develop independent thought.

We live in a society where being different is scolded upon. Yet throughout history, those who have been different and those that defied cultural norms have always been the ones to inflict the greatest change. Where would we be today without men like Allan Turing, Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein? These were all men who thought differently and digressed from the mainstream and hence achieved what, at the time, were thought to be impossible. Creativity and innovation stems from individuality. Without independent thought and individuality we will never move forward as a society and it is those who question and stray from the norm that succeeds.
lenchiben - / 4  
Oct 11, 2015   #2
A girl's first toy is often a Barbie and theirits message is continuously perpetuated in a young women's life.
I think that's the correct way to say it because the pronoun after "and" refers to "a girl's first toy"
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Oct 11, 2015   #3
Hi Michael! As I read your essay, I came to the realization that you really feel quite strongly about the subject matter you are discussing. In terms of the general discussion, you were spot on when you discussed the idealization of Barbie dolls for women. How about the idealization of men through G.I. Joe dolls? Don't you think your discussion would have been better balanced if you discussed the idealization of both sexes and how it affects them? It just seems fair since both genders are faced with image issues due to unfair branding by the media.

I thought this essay was for English writing class? Are you studying in the United States? I am asking because you discussed a part about Scandanavian composers and their cookie cutter pop music. If you are studying in the United States, I do not believe that you should discuss something so specific to a different country. Your American readers will have no idea what you are talking about and will not be able to identify with what you are saying because their music industry is different. If you can use a more American example, not necessarily with regards to music, then I think your essay should be better off for it.

By the way, proof read the essay for punctuation mistakes. You have a period in one sentence where a question mark should be. Other than some corrections with regards to grammar use and the reference to Scandanavian composers, I really believe you did well in writing this essay. Let me help you correct some parts of it:

We are constantly bombarded with stereotypes and the ideals of whom and what we should be are constantly shoved down our throats by the media, big brands and conglomerates that thrive on conformity.

- It almost seems like you were typing too fast and two sentences accidentally got merged into one. Please clarify the thoughts by creating two separate sentences instead. I think this should be read as;"We are constantly bombarded with stereotypes and ideals of whom and what we should be. These images are constantly shoved down our throats..."

ostracised - spell check. British English is Ostracised, American English is ostracized. Which type of English are you using?

there are so few woman WOMEN in maths and science

according to A standard sonic template

In a society that demands instant gratification and a lack of thought these songs supply it.
- Is there something else you want to say in this sentence? It seems to be lacking a complete thought process. There is no subject.

If we as a society are not able to develop our own music tastes how will we be able to develop independent thought. ?

-----

If you would just remove the part about the Scandanavian composers and instead used the rest of that space to further develop the idea of Steve Jobs, etc. being the outsiders that changed the world, I believe your essay will benefit from it. You really should try to offer an equal amount of space to the discussion of both issues.


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