TASK 2: Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of the society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.
You should write at least 250 words.
ANSWER:
Some individuals believe that its parent's responsibility to make minors a good society's member. However, others have the view education institute should focus on it. In my opinion, combined efforts, by the parents and school, are needed to achieve this task.
First of all, it is commonly believed that mother's lap is the first school of the baby. Furthermore, from the birth till the age of schooling, children spend most of the time with their family. As learning in the early age of life has a strong and everlasting impact on one's personality. Therefore, personality and manners of a child can be deducted from the behavior of his parents. For example, it is very often in our community that we give credit for good and bad deeds of minors to their parents. As a result, the role of mother and father in the better development of a person cannot be ignored.
Nevertheless, school is the first place where students start interacting each other and with the society. In addition, as about 14 precious years of passed while in the school, so it must has some effect on one's personality, life and on role in society. For someone to be a good member of society, social grooming plays an important role; which in turn depends upon the schooling. For instance, as metropolis has better schools, where students are not only taught text but also manners. Thus, these minor pupils are decent, well mannered and are good member of community, when compared with the students in villages.
In conclusion, to become a good member of community supervision of both the parents and teachers are required. We cannot put all the responsibilities solely on either group.
I think that your essay is well articulated but I think that you could still address some points. Perhaps you could include some statistics to back up your claim, or take into consideration kids that were homeschooled or didn't receive a formal education. Do you think those kids would be inferior in terms of being good members of society?
Just some points to consider.
Hi Kumar, first of all, WELCOME to the Essay Forum Family, I hope you find our website to be helpful as well as useful to your writing projects and future writing reference. As I was going through your essay, I must say that you have the idea and you know exactly how to approach the essay, however, I believe you can still enhance it by following the suggestions that we have here on EF.
Further to your revision, below are my suggestions;
- Some individuals believe that its our parent's responsibility
- to makehone minors to become a good society's member of the society .
- However, others have the view that educational institute
- should focus on ithas an even bigger role in shaping the youth .
- First of all, it is commonly believed that a mother's lap
- from the birth till the age of schoolingwhen they need to go to school ,
- As learning in theLearning at an early age
- of life has a strong and everlasting impact
- Therefore, the personality and manners of a child
- it is very oftencommon ( I believe that this is the most appropriate word for this part of the sentence )
- As a result, the role of the mother and the father
- in the betterto the development of a person cannot be ignoredis absolutely essential .
There you have it Kumar, the above remarks and corrections are pretty soft, meaning they are minor corrections, however, if they could've been avoided in the first draft, it is definitely better. Overall, this first leg of your essay is quiet manageable, I hope to review the last couple of paragraphs shortly.
Hi Kumar, despite welcoming you to this forum, I would like to give additional feedback for introduction and concluding paragraph. I hope you can follow through and consider them as meaningful. You can see them in the detailed descriptions below.
1st paragraph:
- You have paraphrased the question but some words were remained unchanged. Somehow, paraphrasing is not just changing the words by using synonym. You can also alter the sentence format, either active to passive sentence or passive to active sentence. Instead of saying "some", it is better to say "it is argued that" which means some people argue about that particular issue. Furthermore, you also forgot to outline your thesis statement clearly. I reckon that thesis statement in your introduction needs to be elaborated further.
4th paragraph:
- Restating is okay, but paraphrasing is better. Your conclusion seems like only restating your previous point in general. However, your recommendation was also too simple I guess. I think that you can give better suggestion by saying about the future. Recommendation, fear, or hope for the future is really suggested to be appropriately delivered in the very last sentence of an IELTS task 2 essay.
The good thing is that your body paragraphs were okay. They were well-developed. Keep up the good work! Good luck for the next practice :)
Hi Kumar, below are the additional remarks for the second leg of your essay;
- start interacting with each other
- asfor about 14 precious years
- of passed while in the schoolscholastic adventures and learning ,
- so it must has someit does effect
- on one's personality,
- life and ontheir role in society.
- taught from textbooks but also manners.
- Thus, these minor pupils arethey're groomed to become decent,
- member of the community,
There you have it Kumar, what I noticed in your essay is that, you tend to forget minor details, punctuation marks, linking verbs and the likes, also, you seemed to inject a few words such as, "thus", "metropolis", this words do add to the character of the essay, however, you don't have to choose words that are not seen on a normal conversation as this might trigger a different understanding from your readers.
