Hey Friend, please have this note:
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.
Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues
too early to go into details.
You don't need to stick an example here, save it for the body. Aha!, you have to consider that Task 2 topics are used all over the world. Therefore, the wording applies to the whole world, not just Indonesia :D
Even though I only got less money, but I felt so fun. Because,(omit a comma) for the first time I was exist like adult, they treated me like a responsible person (a comma) not the spoiled childones .
I learned a lot in saving money,(omit a comma) because I knew how hard to earn money
Pay particular attention to punctuationThey concern in profit, they employ children from noon until night
This is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.