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IELTS, TASK; 'In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues'


kikiliyik 12 / 35 2  
Apr 5, 2014   #1
Dear all. As usual, I need your advice to fix my bad writing. Your advice is a way to me.
best regards
Aji

In many countries children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as
completely wrong, while others consider it as valuable work experience, important for learning
and taking responsibility.
What are your opinions on this?

In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues. Most people refuse paid work for children in Indonesia, only minority persons who support it for the name of education. However, I believe that working for children is useful as long as appropriate with their skill and age.

The cases that are happening now are caused the adults see child workers as usual employees in work quality. Whereas, children have small body and small strength if we compare to adults. Also, they still lack of experience in working. So, for all employers that want to employ children, they have to understand about this limitation.

However, today, private industries do not care about it. They concern in profit, they employ children from noon until night. The work will take their playing and study time. This really happens in my country, Indonesia. This work type never educates children at all.

But, this will be different if employer consider the children's capability. They responsible to the consequence in having child workers-limitation in strength and experience. For example, when I was a child, I worked in a farm field. I work for 3 hours, from 1 pm to 4 pm, three days a week. The employer gave me the small jobs, such as, feeding animals, picking cucumber and watering vegetables. Even though I only got less money, but I felt so fun. Because, for the first time I was exist like adult, they treated me like responsible person not the spoiled child. They believed to me, this is the big deal for the children who usually needed attention from the adults. I learned a lot in saving money, because I knew how hard to earn money. I also learned that many people have harder life, because they have to work harder than me. After work time, I still have time to study and go to mosque with my friends.

Based on my experience above, I strongly believe that paid work is useful for children. This is because work educates children to be more sensitive in social and responsible. Those aspects shape children to be great leader in the future.

Ulaai 3 / 40 25  
Apr 5, 2014   #2
I'm sorry, I made a mistake. "In Indonesia" in the first sentence was supposed to be written only once.
Also, my suggestion, try to read English articles/magazines. Analyze the words selection and grammar. It will help you a lot on structuring your sentences. Goodluck!
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Apr 6, 2014   #3
Hey Friend, please have this note:
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.


In Indonesia, child workers are still the one of the big issues

too early to go into details.
You don't need to stick an example here, save it for the body. Aha!, you have to consider that Task 2 topics are used all over the world. Therefore, the wording applies to the whole world, not just Indonesia :D

Even though I only got less money, but I felt so fun. Because,(omit a comma) for the first time I was exist like adult, they treated me like a responsible person (a comma) not the spoiled childones .

I learned a lot in saving money,(omit a comma) because I knew how hard to earn money

Pay particular attention to punctuation

They concern in profit, they employ children from noon until night

This is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.


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