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Indonesia marks Independence Day by sinking illegal ships


azmi23 17 / 28 3  
Aug 19, 2016   #1
Here is my summary from The Jakarta Post's article.
Please give me some critics and suggestions to train my skill on writing. Thanks!

Source: thejakartapost.com/news/2016/08/17/indonesia-marks-independence-day-by-sinking-illegal-ships-.html


How to celebrate Indonesia Independence Day? Susi Pudjiastuti has an answer!
Pudjiastuti, the Maritime and Fisheries Minister in the government of President "Jokowi", has sunk over than 200 illegal fishing boat since 2014 which meant to show our control in our vast archipelago. Unlike previous occasions which were broadcasted live, government will sink the vessels in "less sensational way" unrelatedly in its effort against illegal fishing. At such national celebration, she arranged the submergence in several places as Ranai, Batam, Tarempa, Kalimantan, Maluku, and Sorong in West Papua to thrust not only as artificial reefs, but also a powerful message to diminish the illegal fishing. The first scheme was to sink precisely 71 boats from Vietnam, Malaysia, and China, which same as the anniversary of national independence. Nevertheless, there were eight vessels that scuttled earlier on Monday in eastern ports. Another six were planned to be sunk in Pangandaran, southern coast of West java, therefore US and Norwergia will contribute to construct a museum of illegal fishing there.

Permata992 7 / 12  
Aug 19, 2016   #2
Hallo Azmi,

I left a comment in here, i hope it will useful for your writing next time..

... over than 200 illegal fishing boats since 2014 which meant to ...
... sink the vessels in "less sensational way" unrelatedlyunrelated in its effort against illegal fishing.

Thank you azmi..good luck for IELTS scoring tomorrow..
hirani03 36 / 50 5  
Aug 19, 2016   #3
Hi there.
These are some corrections for your writing.Hopefully it helps :)

... Fisheries Minister in the governmentreign period of President "Jokowi", has sunk overmore than 200 illegal fishing boatboats since 2014 which meant to ...

Unlike previous occasions which were broadcastedbroadcast live, the government will sink the vessels in "less sensational way" unrelatedlyunrelatingly in its effort against illegal fishing.

... submergence in several places, such as Ranai, Batam, Tarempa, ...

AnotherOther six were planned to be sunk in ...
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Aug 19, 2016   #4
Hi Azmi, as soon as I read the title of your essay, I can't help but notice how innovative Indonesia is in thinking of how to celebrate it's independence. If I can suggest this to be done in my country, I would definitely do, I believe this is one way to show, not only the people of Indonesia, that the country is true to it's promise in keeping the country safe, but to all the people in the world that Indonesia is committed to securing and protecting the country from illegal trade and businesses.

Honestly, it's as if I'm reading your essay straight from a newspaper, very informative, full of conviction in every word that created an overall confidence in writing. Though there are a few revisions to be done, they are very minor and, will pretty much, not affect the overall message of the essay.

It is a well managed essay, with the right source of information, comprehensive and detailed approach and more importantly it is a current event. Happy Independence Day Indonesia!


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