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Writing IELTS task 1 - Inflow of Foreign Workers in Australia 1992-2001


mrfwijaya 3 / 3  
Apr 16, 2017   #1

australia - destination for the jobseekers



The chart shows the changes in the number of workers immigrating into Australia over period of nine years

Overall, Temporary workers had bigger numbers of people rather than worker who become permanent settlers. Furthermore, both kind of workers had similar trend in last few years.

In 1992, around 40,000 people came to Australia becoming permanent settlers while the number of people who emigrated temporarily at slightly under 15,000. The patterns were always similar which permanent workers had larger number of people rather than transient one until 1996. Temporary community reached double rank from 15,000 to over 30,000 in 1997 and it gradually rose to peak at 45,000 in 2001. Whereas permanent settlers started at 20,000 and it slowly grew to approximately 35,000 in the same period.

Transient employees fluctuated in number to 15,000 from 1992 to 1996. However, it increased dramatically in 1997 that numbered more than 30,000 and steadily peaked at 45,000 in 2001. Even though permanent labour force had great number in 1992, it was also stable around 20,000 from 1993 to 1997. The numbers increased significantly in 1998 at over 25,000. The workers rose in number noticeably and had 35,000 employees in 2001.



akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Apr 16, 2017   #2
Hi Muhammad Rinul, I have read your writing closely.Honestly, you have needed some improvements to finalize this writing.

Firstly, please double check information of the period. This is a circumstance for a 10-year period, not the 9-year period. It might seem a little problem, but this can reduce your score because you deliver the inappropriate data. Unfortunately, you did it in the first sentence. You are supposed to impress the reviewer in the first.

After that, the information of your overview is not appropriate. The overview is one of the essential elements in the writing task 1 so that you should aware of this element. Your overview did not cover the interesting trend as well. Following this, I suggest it is better if you merge between the first and second paragraph to meet the requirement in making the good paragraph.

As I am concerned, it seemed that you tried to avoid repetition. However, you harness the inappropriate words in some sentences. It might have the same meaning, but the use of those words has the different context. Be careful of this matter since this can reduce your score in the coherence and cohesion.

Hopefully, those can help you to improve your writing skill.
GOOD LUCK


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