To my way of thinking,
To begin with,
I think this is not really good to begin the IELTS paragraph.
To give your opinion, usually, you can put it in the last sentence in body or conclusion paragraph.
father; he does
Usually, (;) is used for describe example. Maybe you it is (,)
Be careful of you repetition word such as influenced, etc
to what 'it' refers to? Be careful of reference using.
When a parent spends a lot of time with
itshis child, explaining its view of life, a childis believed him and behaves as its parent + sentence
be careful of references, and please re-write your sentence.
For now, these are some corrections which you should give attention.