Unanswered [6] | Urgent [1]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

Writing: Influence of professional athletes on young people - they learn a lot from their own idol.


thphuong1911 4 / 5  
Nov 21, 2016   #1
Hello everyone,
Please help me improve my writing skill. I appreciate every your valuable comment.

Topic:Do you believe that professional athletes make good role models for young people? Support your opinion with reasons and examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Sport is an indiscernible part of the life. It helps people improve their health and it is an useful tool for people to relax. Everyone loves sports. The top professional athletes of each sport are admired throughout their country even around the world. These athletes are a good role model for young people.

Actually, the top professional athletes get a lot of attention, especially from young people. They become an idol and have a huge influences on development as well as behavior of young people. Young people learn a lot from their own idol.

The first benefit which can be seen clearly is that they encourage young people to play sports. That would help young people enhance their health. The second one is to set of the important of passion. The lesson learnt here is that if you desire to be successful, you have to find your own passion. After that, all that you need is to work really hard, sacrifice anything that disrupt you from your goal, just pay attention. Finally, the best lesson learnt from top professional athletes is that "Don't stop after achieving the feat, keep going". They always keep toward even when they are at the top. They continuously pursuit the perfect.

One of the interesting example for this perspective is Cristiano Ronaldo. He is a football player. He is also an idol for all young people to follow. Even though, currently, he is one of the best football player, he usually works very hard. He always starts his training two hours earlier than his other teammate and finish later. He keeps toward and break all record.

With all the reasons above, again, I would like to emphasize that "Top professional athletes make good role models for young people".

ryan31 65 / 96 15  
Nov 21, 2016   #2
hello thphoung
it is nice to read your writing
I have some corrections for you
hope it helps

It helps people improvemaintain their health <<< collocation

... of attention, especially fromwhen young people .
... have a huge influences on development as well as ...
... a lot from their own idol.

One of the interesting examples for this perspective ...

He is a football player. He is also ...
he is a football player and also an idol for young people which follows his path.

Even though, currently, he is one of the best football players , he usually ...
He always starts (...) and finishes later.

thanks
justivy03 - / 2,367 607  
Nov 22, 2016   #3
Hi Phoung, I believe this is my first time to review one of your essay, therefore, I would like to WELCOME you to the Essay Forum Team. I hope that you find this website to be helpful as well as valuable to your writing projects.

Now, as I go through your essay, I noticed the strength of your words, the words that you associate in your essay is quiet unusual, they may not be the regular words that you use in writing an essay but they are able to send the message across and this is whats important in writing an essay.

However, as much as I liked the strength you showed in the first 3 paragraphs of the essay, the last two paragraphs didn't really live up to the expected sense or should I say intensity of the essay. Having said that, I suggest that you revise the 4th paragraph and focus on the succession of ideas, I would also prefer that you input your example on the 3rd paragraph and not on the fourth one. The conclusion part also needs a lot more work and below are my suggestions.

- With all the reasons above, again, I would like toOverall, it is with much emphasisemphasize that, indeed, "Top professional athletes make good role models for young people".

There you have it Phoung, I hope the above remarks are helpful to your revision.


Home / Writing Feedback / Writing: Influence of professional athletes on young people - they learn a lot from their own idol.