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Essay about the influence of Technology on human thinking - feedback


saiwiwo 1 / -  
Sep 8, 2013   #1
We are in the "tech era" where one is relied on techonology for a
solution probably to a minuscule problem.Hosting on technology for everything
is lucidly deteriorating human intellect.

Calculation as we know is a paramount and an elemental principle that one
should have to taste success.Calculator is a revolution in the technology
which eased our calculation.Though,it provide a solution to the complex
calculation within a fleet of a second, conversely its addicted use is
decremental in ones basic instinct of calculation.

Moreover,mobile phones are luringly affecting the usage of one's memory.
We have ready made contacts option which stores untrammeled contacts, which
is acting as a catalyst to completely eradicate the use of our brain and
the feel of using numbers.

In addition,technologies inventions like tablets,smart phones are making
life easier on a click.It is affecting the ability of human thinking
obscurely. Children of an age group of 5-10 are most affected due to the
technology.This is the age when we develop our brain,thinking skills and
the intervention of technology is hindering it.For example, if u ask a
child what 2+2 equals his tendency is to search for a tablet and open a
calculator application and find its answer.He is missing out the fun of
commiting a mistake and knowing how the answer is derived.Use of technology
is deteriorating our next generation's thinking ability.

The preceding statements demonstrates the deteriorating affect of
technology on our thinking.Therefore, the use of technology should be
contained such that its implications are not affecting our thinking.

marmaria 10 / 30 5  
Sep 8, 2013   #2
Dear Saiwiwo I read nearly half of your text. It was well organized and you have a wide knowledge of vocabulary. But I have an advice for you. your writing is very complex, and although you know too much vocab but you do not know how to use them properly. I think you have this problem, like me and other non-native english learners, we translate the sentences from our mother toungue to english. this makes our textes not to make sense. I think if you spend some time to read english textes, story books and work on your grammer, your writing will be excelent.

We are in the "tech era" where one is relied

it is not right to use where to express time (era)

for a
solution probably to a minuscule problem

You should use adverb "probably" to express a verb. you can say " For the solutions of even minuscule problems"

quote=saiwiwo]
should have to taste success[/quote]
should and have to can not be used in a sentence. I think it is better to say " that every literate person would handle"

Though,it provide a solution to the complex
calculation

it provides a solution

is
decremental in ones basic

is detrimental to ones basic

basic instinct of calculation.

is there any instinct of calculation?

Best wishes
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 11, 2013   #3
But I have an advice for you. your writing is very complex, and although you know too much vocab but you do not know how to use them properly

.... this is good advice by marmaria. Pay attention to this point.

Calculation as we know is a paramount and an elemental principle that one
should have to taste success.Calculator is a revolution in the technology
which eased our calculation.Though,it provides a solution to the complex
calculation within a fleet of a second, conversely its addicted use is
decremental in ones basic instinct of calculation.

The word calculation is getting repeated too often. Avoid such repetition.

technologies inventions

technological inventions
[quote=saiwiwo]Children of an age group of 5-10 are the most affected due to the technology.
septem1821 3 / 24 7  
Sep 12, 2013   #4
Introduction:We are in the "tech era" where one is relied on techonology for a solution probably to a minuscule problem.Hosting on technology for everything is lucidly deteriorating human intellect.

a) tech era is not the correct word to use. i think there is no such word.
b)probably is not right choice here.
c) even hosting
d) in introduction, you wrote that technology has negative impacts on humans. 'Therefore, the use of technology should be contained such that its implications are not affecting our thinking'.--this is your conclusion. here you are against to your opinion.

introduction contains three sentences:
1) the general idea of the given task in the society
2)rewrite the given task in a different way
3) your opinion

Body:
1st para--calculators, its uses and drawbacks
2nd para--mobiles uses and drawbacks
3rd para--tables uses and drawbacks

I guess , you should have written the body content in this way
a) traditional teaching is being replaced by web-based institutions. you talk about the side effects of computer education on learning process on children.
b)usage of technologies by professionals--tell its disadvantages on their problem solving abilities
c)how the technology affects the daily lives. include your examples such as mobiles and ipad
elaborate these things with examples.

Conclusion:a) preceding means the coming, so you should not use that word here.
b) you contradicted your conclusion with the introduction.

there are no words such as decremental or luringly. i agree with marmaria. use words precisely and cautiously . they may give a different meaning if we write them without knowing the correct usage. .

sorry , if it doesn't help you.


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