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Tv's influences on culture... who can help me to correct this essay?


ahmad 3 / 11  
Jul 4, 2009   #1
Subject:
In many countries television shows many foreign made programmes.
The dominance of imported entertainment is harmful to the culture of these countries.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?

From the first of mankind humans tried to make connection with each other and with the future humans. Speaking , painting on cave's wall or using the smoke of the fire are some instances. They tried to paint on the cave's wall to leave their experiences or maybe customs for future humans generation. These examples show having connection for humans were so necessary and vital. Scientist argue that the most important h=thing can protect a generation was having connection with the last generation an use their experience for living better and more convenient. Naturally through the improvement of mankind the way of connection improved also. Radio was the first modernized electronic facility. In these contemporary years Tvs take radio place instead of that; then satellite then internet and etc... these facilities made a revolution people's life. In addition of benefits that connectors facilities can have for people they can be harmful for them too. I will divide the influence of connectors like Tvs to bad an good and write about them.

First bad influence
Governments usually use the media such as Tvs to generate false news to get public support. The news often are negative and pessimistic. These false news can be produced by foreigner and local governments. Countries usually try to export their culture to other countries by producing cartoons for kids and movies for the rest of people. Sometimes these cartoons have a awful influence on kids mind because of differences between culture and lead to ruin kid's mind. The movies have it's unconscious special effect on elder too.

Second I will write about the benefits of media such as Tvs. Television today has a lot of positive effect influence on our society. Tv gives up helpful information and keeps us informed with plenty of information such as weather predict or road's condition or etc...

Tv in today society has become one of the most basic resources of information. We are informed through the Tv of lasted news.Tv can be an instrument to improve our general knowledge and an eye in to the world around us.

In consequence we can result effect of Tv programmes can be both good and bad. This statement is right for foreign-made programmes too. Today there is a general agreement that filtering some of the Tv global programmes of satellite can be helpful for protect the kids of some bad influences. This filtering should be done by parents. I think kids internet access is as important as Tv's programmes are.parents should supervise about it too. Of course against the filtering parents should encourage their children to watch and work with useful channels or internet sites.
EF_Simone 2 / 1,986  
Jul 4, 2009   #2
I like the way that you begin with the basic human impulse to communicate and then narrow the topic to modern television. I also like your thesis that not only foreign television but all television has both positive and negative effects. I'd like you to state this thesis as explicitly in your introduction as you do in your conclusion.

Your arguments could be supported by more details, but before getting to that, we must address grammar. First, because you are writing in a second language that you are still struggling to master, write as formally as possible. Say "television" rather than TV, say "children" rather than "kids," and be sure that all of your sentences are complete. ("First bad influence" is a fragment.) Don't use "or etc."

Next, you will need to phrase what you say as simply as possible, in order to reduce the chance of error (which increases with every additional word in a sentence.)

For example:
From the first of mankindH umans have always tried to makeconnect with each other and with the future generations .

We are informed through theTelevision informs us of recent news.

Study up on articles (a, an, the), because you sometimes include them when they are not needed.

For example:
Governments usually use the media such as television to generate false news to get public support.

Also, "news" is singular, even though it ends with an "s."
OP ahmad 3 / 11  
Jul 4, 2009   #3
thank you dear EF_simone your advise helped me :)
nice to hear some more advise from other.
thank you
ahmad
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Jul 4, 2009   #4
You should also add more specific examples. Actually, wait, that's not exactly right. You should add specific examples, period, as you do not have any at all at the moment. You have written an entire essay on television's influence on culture without mentioning a single specific television program.

Governments usually use the media such as Tvs to generate false news to get public support.

For example? Gov't X reported Y, which we know to be false because of Z. This had a series of negative effects, A, B, C, D, etc.

Countries usually try to export their culture to other countries by producing cartoons for kids and movies for the rest of people. Sometimes these cartoons have a awful influence on kids mind because of differences between culture and lead to ruin kid's mind.

For example? Country X produces cartoon Y, which can be seen as exporting value set Z. This has ravaged culture A, by resulting in C, D, etc.

The movies have it's unconscious special effect on elder too.

And again, for example? By now you get the general idea. Go through the essay, and add specific examples throughout to prove your points, and your essay will be much stronger.
OP ahmad 3 / 11  
Jul 5, 2009   #5
thank you so much simone
Eve 3 / 12  
Jul 5, 2009   #6
You've made the reader a little bit confuse with subtitles and linkage words.For example,

ahmad
First bad influence
Governments usually use the media such as Tvs to generate false news to get public support.

Does it mean Firstly,for the bad influence,governments...?

or

Bad influence number 1?

You have a subtitle for the second paragraph but you went on to the third paragraph with a linking word Second
You better write like this,

Bad influence
Governments usually use the media such as .... unconscious special effect on elder too.

Good influence
Now, I will write about the benefits of media .... an eye in to the world around us.

And another thing is you should learn more of how to use punctuation signs.

In consequence, we can result effect of TV programmes can be both good and bad.

Of course against the filtering, parents should encourage their children to watch, and work with useful channels or internet sites.

Because without them there can be misunderstandings....
OP ahmad 3 / 11  
Jul 6, 2009   #7
thank you eve i try to learn punctuation signs.
good advise
sinaraneto 3 / 3  
Jul 7, 2009   #8
you have made a very good points
bubuvio 8 / 32  
Jul 7, 2009   #9
Ahmad, I would like to see your corrections of this essay. Can you add your last draft? Thanks!


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