I want an essay to reviewed for my ielts exam. Need a band above 8
Here is my topic
Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to learn this.
Discuss bother these vies and give your own opinion.
Who should teach children how to behave properly?
There is a rising problem in the society about influencing good behaviour on children and many working parents believe that young minds should be tough by school whereas rest say guardian have to teach values, ethics and manners. In my view, I would have to agree with the fact that parents must teach their children about being good members in the community.
First of all, from toddler stage parents are with their kids all the time and because of that some people tend to see children tries to copy their parents' behaviour, communication & habits. Some of these are very noticeable, for example, having a pleasant smile and helping people could go a long way. There are times kind words could do the trick such as 'have a nice day', 'god bless you'. As a result, it would indirectly impact on kids to have a good behaviour.
While being good some people are trying to go dark side. Tolerance & selfless must be important to live in the community. Generally school system teaches how to be competitive. Furthermore, this system actually could brainwash and turn kids to be selfish. Even though schools are trying to provide a competition, parents must not provide the same environment for their children. Instead, parents should teach taking things slow and winning is not everything. Therefore, kids actually learn to work together and build robust foundation for every one rather than working for their own cause.
On the other hand, it's understandable that both parents have to work because of sky high living cost. Everybody wants to provide the best for their kids and because of that parents actually have lack of time to spend with their family. For them, the option would be the school system. For example, a single mother might have to couple of jobs to raise her two kids. Therefore, these single parents have to turn their cheek and rely on school system.
In conclusion, values, ethics & manners have to be taught by parents to raise a good children to a good & valuable member in the society. For others, they have to hope for the best that school system would not fail them.
I find your essay very good in structure and flow of information (regardless that I agree with it or not).
Good Job !
Thanks, you think it's enough to score 8/9?
@gayan1991 I liked the way you have ordered and structured your essay. I am able to figure out the main ideas. I would wait for the structure and thought process reviews by more experienced people. I noticed there are some grammatical errors, or some sentences are not very clear.
While being good some people are trying to go dark side. -> This sentence is not able to convey the meaning, I am not sure what does 'Trying to go dark side' means.
... parents to raise a good children to a good & ... > 'A good children' is not correct.
Apart from this, can you please help me with the following expression:
Therefore, these single parents have to turn their cheek and rely on school system. -> 'turn their cheek ' Will you be able to tell the meaning? I couldn't find it in Google.
Thanks for your review. Right now I realized that it is not a correct.
What i had wanted to say was with this 'Therefore, these single parents have to turn ...' is single parents have no choice but to rely on on school system.
Holt Educational Consultant - / 13,858 4558
Nadeesha, my opinion is that your score for this essay would be around a 3. I know, it is an extremely low score but please, allow me to explain why from the point of view of an examiner, I decided that you would not get an overall score higher than this number. While you did a good job of explaining the prompt requirement to the reader, your discussion did not properly expand on the given topic. In fact, you accidentally changed the prompt discussion within your essay when it came to the discussion of the role of the school in teaching children how to be good members of society. By the way, you used the word "though" when you were supposed to say "taught" in the paragraph. Be conscious of your word usage, the wrong term used in the wrong context will drag down your individual lexical resource score.
Your second paragraph that dealt with how the parents taught children good manners and right conduct was right on the dot. It was informative, used proper examples, and had an enlightened conviction in the way that you presented the discussion from that point of view. I have no faults to point out in that paragraph.
The third paragraph does not discuss how schools and educators can help students becomes good members of society. You speak of a dark side regarding competition. That is a prompt deviation. Competition in schools does not relate to a dark side as competition is taught to the children as a trait that will help them succeed in the future. There is nothing negative about competition being taught in school. More importantly, schools often grade students in GMRC which stands for Good Manners and Right Conduct. Therefore, schools also teach the child to become a good member of society usually through social studies classes. So your discussion in that paragraph is flawed. That is the main reason why I believe that you cannot score higher than a 3 in this particular test. There were lexical problems, grammar and sentence structure issues, and shortcomings in your task accuracy that affected my decision.