Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4


ainunazwaria 10 / 18 5  
Mar 4, 2017   #1

diarrhea instances figure

The line chart provides data about the changes of number of diarrhea cases occuring in Mashhad from 1983 to 1992. Overall, the figures of diarhhea cases dropped significantly at the end of given period despite fluctuations occur over time. Besides, they were at their highest in '89 while the lowest figures could be observed in '92.

In the three first years ('83, '84, '85), they stood at 100 and remained relatively unchanged. The figure then rose considerably to reach about 190 in '96. A year after that, this was followed by a slight increase to the level of 200. However, this upward trend was suddenly broken and the number of diarhhea sufferings plummeted dramatically back to the initial level in '88.

Afterwards, an enormous surge was seen in '88; fourfold higher than the former figure. Nevertheless, in the following year, a plunge appear tp 300 and the figure remained steady until '91. Interestingly, the figure dipped tremendously and hit the zero level of diarhhea cases in the last given period.

akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Mar 4, 2017   #2
Hi Ainun, I am gonna try offering a few suggestion for finalizing this.

Firstly, please you try paraphrasing the question fully. Honestly, your sentence in the first was virtually similar to the question. If you wanna get a high score, you can impress an examiner through your skill for paraphrasing. Following this, you can again the score more if you avoid the language of changes in the overview. I mean that you bring that information to a meaningful description. For example,

Overall, it can be obviously seen that although the number of diarrhea sufferers had been more for the some of first years in the period, that condition had gone to zero at the end of period..

On the other hand, be careful of deciding a position of the data. You wrote that the first three years experienced the stable position. However, there was clearly the information that only 1983 and 1984 were at the same point. You are supposed to pay attention to this matter because the examiner will think you have given the information inappropriately. That relates to coherence and cohesion.

Hopefully, those can help you to improve your skill.
Happy Writing.
serikbar 4 / 16 3  
Mar 4, 2017   #3
Overall, the figures of diarhhea cases ... while the lowest figures could be observed in '92. - I don't think you can use the word "figures" with relation to diarhhea cases. You could say : Overall, the frequency of the diarrhea cases decreased at the end of the given period despite considerable fluctuations. It peaked in '89, while the lowest number was observed in '92.

I would similarly replace the word "figures" in other paragraphs as well.
Nevertheless, in the following year, a plunge appear tp 300... - first, the tense should be past (appeared). Also, I would use active voice here - ... the number plunged to 300...
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 12,839 4175  
Mar 4, 2017   #4
Ainun, regardless of the minor problems that exist in your essay, those do not erase the fact that you still wrote an essay that can quite possibly, garner you a score of 6 in an actual test. So what did you do right which garnered you that score? Though your paraphrasing was simple enough to sound similar to the original, you had still changed enough of it to create the impression that you understood the topic for discussion. You need not provide a long winded paraphrased prompt if the grammar development is not proper. In this instance, your grammar score was helped by the fact that you kept your discussion simple enough to be understood and at least show that you had more than a mechanical understanding of the prompt. While your discussion could have used a more serious and creative explanation, the fact that you wrote this under time constraint and that you were still able to accurately represent all of the data in the essay, helped to boost your possible score. With that said, there was a slight error in your representation as the years of 84 and 85 had a very slight change, with a small increase in 85 that you failed to notice. Those are the minute data comparisons that you were expected to spot in the line graph but you failed to present in your summary. It happens, but it is better for your score if you train yourself to spot the small differences in order to increase your task accuracy and grammar range score.