Information technology is changing many aspects of our lives and now dominates our home, leisure and work activities.
To what extent do the benefits of information technology outweigh the disadvantages?
Please see my answer below and help me to improve it:
In the recent decades, it is an undeniable truth that information technology is giving people a variety of new paths to experience our daily life and deeply intervening in humans' universal sectors, such as houseworks, entertainments and occupation. Despite certain drawbacks, there are plenty of beneficial applications of this modern technique.
Apparently, if people overuse this high technology, they will be struggling with harmful effects. Firstly, humans are slowly obsessed with virtual friendships and consequently leave behind their real interactions. For instance, in some families, most of the time in a day adults and children contact each other through the internet, gradually lose the relationship between family members. Secondly, the advanced technology is making humans become weaker. By sitting a long time in front of a computer's screen,residents take high risks to get health problems, including spinal diseases and eye disorders.
In contrast, information technology brings better methods to people for resolving their daily demands. In the home field, the technology supports parents to keep updated about their children's status and provide more exact decisions on time. These days, an increasing number of residents, especially the rural population, is able to access TV programmes and entertainment shows. On the top of that, this technology itself set up the only way to maintain educational activities in the form of online learning when social distancing is imposed during global pandemic. Furthermore, there is no denying on the fact that with the advent of technology, international industry and business are boosted up. Nowadays, with just a few clicks, workers, owners, entrepreneurs could find out the best solutions for their particular problems regardless of distances or time lags, so they will get better approaches in their career.
To sum up, although there are certain negative aspects of the information technology, its benefits definitely outweigh its disadvantages. For greater applications, the technology should be carefully controlled and used sensibly.
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Kindly prioritize the correction of your writing errors prior to the submission of your essay. Do not have a non-proof read, revised, and edited essay submitted. The main focus of your presentation must be on a clean presentation. That means, you will submit a perfect, error free essay or, an essay with as little errors as possible. A quick glance of your paper showed me that you have several errors in spelling, coherence, and cohesiveness. All errors that, when combined, shall pull down your overall final score. While you might still have a passing score, it may not be high enough to be considered for your target international school scoring requirements.
You are not scored on the number of reasons you can provide in a paragraph. The scoring is based on how well you can explain one reason in 5 sentences. Your first reasoning paragraph highlights your ability to properly explain the first reason, but then, your second reason lacks the same clarity and depth of explanation. It was the second under developed reason that weakened the presentation. You will do well to focus your full clarity of explanation in a single reason as you will score better in the C&C section that way.
Your second reasoning paragraph is even worse than the first. You just kept on stating reasons, with very little discussion development. So you need to really focus more on choosing your strongest reason per paragraph and then developing those. When you just keep on writing, without considering the strength of your reasoning, then you do not provide a convincing statement for the examiner to consider.
You must also learn how to properly summarize your discussion points for the conclusion. What you did was, you only provided a vague closing summary, without providing the information you used in the previous discussions. The concluding summary should be like a paragraph form bullet listing of the previous discussion. That way you can properly conclude the essay. Right now, you left it open-ended rather than concluded presentation.
By the way, please try to limit yourself to 275-290 words. That way you can spend more time on correcting errors and clearing up any confusing passages in your presentation. That will also allow you to limit your discussion topics per paragraph that may not be properly explained or developed for the reader.