Schools should cut art and music out of the curriculum so that children can focus on useful subjects
In the decades of modernised era, human beings have to comfort with the information technology as a technophile. Since the information technology is play a role in every part of our lives including transportation, communication, and meditation. Therefore, whether people would like their children to survive and adapt to this modern world, they should be taught in the school. For this reason, some believe that the subject should be focused instead of unusable subjects such as music or art. However, I totally disagree with this statement.
To begin with, there are many consequences that they should not be removed. Initially, subjects including music or art are such a valuable treasures. They have been given from time to time as shown as the culture. They might be gone forever whether we do not conserve them by teaching the young. Moreover, art and music are parts of gathering each other to become friend once they adore the same type of art or music. Apart from that, art or music have been used to lighten juveniles' creativity or skills as we can see in the kindergarten.
Furthermore, students can use art or music as their profession such as graphic designer or animation maker which art is relevant to. Last but not least, art or music can be used for relaxing or amusement of everyone.
In conclusion, art or music are necessary for human beings since they are our culture, link of friendliness, important sort of learning, work relevance and people relaxation. So that they should not been removed from schools.
In the decades of modernised era -> In modern times or After the decades of modernization.
beings have to comfort -> beings have too comfort.
Since the information technology is play ... -> Since, the information technology plays an important role in every aspects of our lives.
Therefore, whether people would like their children to survive ... ->Therefore, for our future generations to assimilate in contemporary society, they should be educated at school.
Hi Jakkapong, welcome to the EssayForum :) although it is quite late to respond your essay. I hope that my feedback can still be helpful towards your writing development. First of all, I think you need to write a proper title for the next post by mentioning the details about this essay. For instance, it can be IELTS, TOEFL, Scholarship, or College Assignment essay. Thus, I assume that this is an IELTS essay because of that is the most common essay which uploaded here. Before moving on to the feedback, I reckon that for the next post you need to separate the paragraph by using at least 1 space (1 enter) like the other essays in this forum. However, you can see the detailed feedback in the descriptions below.
1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- I think the introduction was too bulky. In introduction paragraph you should only paraphrase the question (1st sentence), create a thesis statement (2nd sentence), and Outline your thesis statement (3rd sentence).
2nd paragraph (body paragraph 1):
- Your cohesive devices are redundant, "To begin with" has the same meaning like "Initially". Besides, you have also used personal pronouns in this paragraph. It should not be there. It is better to change "We" to "People". Over-use of personal pronoun makes the essay becomes less formal.
3rd paragraph (body paragraph 2):
- Too short, it is not supposed to be only two sentences. It will be considered as lack of elaboration and will badly damage your final grade. You need to make at least three sentences for this. For example, you can write a topic sentence (1st sentence), explain the topic sentence (2nd sentence), and give example(s) of that (3rd sentence).
4th paragraph (concluding paragraph):
- Avoid making fragment like this "SoThus , that they should not been removed from schools." It can be considered as grammatical error, and it is possible to affect your final grade. Also, using "So" is not appropriate in academic essay. This can be considered as less formal.
That's it Jakkapong, I hope that you can follow through. Do not hesitate to ask if you need further assistance. Good luck for the next practice :)
