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There are many instances nowadays where younger individuals are becoming increasingly popular

Frooti 1 / -  
Jan 13, 2019   #1

Some people become famous at young age.

Is it good thing or bad thing?

In present generations, there are many instances where younger individuals are becoming increasingly popular.
Some people think that the situation is advantageous, whereas other have a contradictory opinion. I opine with the latter group and believe it is disadvantageous owing to its drawbacks such as sacrificing precious childhood, education and getting addicted to luxurious lifestyles.

First of all, childhood is considered as a bliss in an individual life. A child that becomes famous at an early age is most likely to lose his bond and association with family and friends as public eye becomes more demanding and critical. In other words, a success child would not has an opportunity to take care of himself and to spent quality time with parents and acquaintances which indirectly effect his early age. If we take an example of a famous cricketer Sachin Tendulkar from India, he became a famous sportsperson at early twenties whereas he could not even finish his secondary education and does not have a single childhood friend.

Secondly, with accretion of money and fame at an early age people get habituated to lavish lifestyle. Therefore, the person becomes stubborn and proud, disrespecting elders and other members of society. He can stay without a person but can not live without fame, money and gadgets. This in turn means the individual became insensitive to social life by disregarding moral values. A recent research by psychiatrists mentioned that younger adult with fame, prefer to step on traditions and cultures and get swayed away by western culture particularly an addiction to alcohol and narcotics to kill loneliness.

To conclude, although becoming famous at younger age is beneficial, the adverse effects outweigh the beneficial effects. The negative effects include eliminating early ages for success and getting attached to materialistic life. This strengthen my belief towards drawbacks of becoming successful early.

Holt - / 7,529 2001  
Jan 14, 2019   #2
Frooti, you should always remember to change the verb form after an auxiliary presentation. So when you say "a success child would not has an opportunity", "has" should be changed to the current form "have". Also, the word is "successful", not "success". Familiarize yourself with word meanings. "Success" means the accomplishment of an aim or purpose, while "successful" refers to accomplishing a desired aim or result. Or an alternative meaning for successful, in relation to the discussion provided is having achieved fame, wealth, or social status. There are several other instances of word choice problems in this essay which I will forgo pointing out at this point because I would end up revising your whole presentation. Just be more mindful of your word choice and vocabulary errors in the future. As a final note for this section, please remember that you have to use the conjunction "cannot" instead of "can not" because the latter means "able to but unable to" at the same time. It does not make sense in the sentence presentation.

With regards to your punctuation problems, kindly remember that when stating a series of related words in a sentence-like list, you have to use the Oxford comma to indicate when the end of the list has been achieved such as in your reference to; "He can stay without a person but cannot live without fame, money , and gadgets."

Your essay lacks in popular examples with whom the examiner can identify with in the discussion. Your examples are of child stars in your home country which is okay, but you could have scored better if you had used a more internationally known name among the child stars. Your discussion shows a clear understanding of the prompt although your sentence presentations need improvement. Overall, this is a good first attempt. Keep practicing and seeking guidance for your writing improvement. I am sure you will keep getting better at this.

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