Unanswered [5] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
  

Writing Feedback   Posts: 6

IELTS 2- insufficient respect is shown to older people


andial 21 / 56 3  
Jun 30, 2014   #1
Experts, Kindly need your review on my essay :-)

In many countries today insufficient respect is shown to older people
What do you think may be the reasons for this?
What problems might this cause in society?
===========================================================


Broadly speaking, the younger people have to respect the older one. It is quite understandable knowing most culture teach their young generation such habit. Today, however, the essence of this respect feeling seems likely to decline. This essay will analyze the reason how it happens and the effect of this degradation value.

One of the main reasons why the good respect in the past does no longer happen anymore is because of the drawback of non-educative TV program. We often watch on TV that a number of kids program like Sinchan shows an appropriate attitude. Lazy to study or even bullying his teacher are some bad examples of such toddler program showed freely changing the culture. Moreover, the invasion from modern culture often worsen this condition. Again, mass media take a great role in this aspect. Modern culture considers every single person has the same right and equal position in all occasion. It is usually imitated by the viewer then applies it in their daily live. Clearly, it makes this inadequate respect comes up.

There are some negative impacts of this bad culture if there is no real action to reflate it. Firstly, it is highly likely that the the honor attitude to parents will be eradicated in the near future. Furthermore, the level of trust to others will be erased as the respect to elderly tends to lose. Clearly, such condition is far from the Madani Society concept as according to philosopher it is the ideal pattern of society.

Ultimately, sufficient respect feeling to older people should be kept in order to prevent the worse condition happened. As far as I am concerned, some causes and impacts said warn us to immediately take action.

dumi 1 / 7,200 1592  
Jul 1, 2014   #2
Broadly speaking, the younger people have to respect the older one.people

It is quite understandable knowing most culture teach their young generation such habit.

This habit of respecting the elderly people is encouraged by almost every culture.
Today, however, the essence of this respect feeling seems likely to decline.to be declining.

One of the main reasons why the good respect in the past does no longer happen anymore is because of the drawback of non-educative TV program.

.... Well, here you have a few issues - vocabulary is not appropriate, less clarity etc. Give more prominence to your reasoning;
One of the main reason why young people are less respectful towards the elders is that the influence of the TV programs that are more commercial based.
OP andial 21 / 56 3  
Jul 1, 2014   #3
This habit of respecting the elderly people is encouraged by almost every culture.
Today, however, the essence of this respect feeling seems likely to decline. to be declining.

Thank you dumi for your better sentences. I realize that sometimes my sentences seem to be lack of clarity :-(.
Do you have any suggestion on how to make a better sentence and to sharpen our sense in dealing with a good written English
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,269 457  
Jul 25, 2014   #4
degradation value.

good respect

the invasion from modern culture

no real action to reflate it

the level of trust to

inadequate respect comes up

These are not a good grasp of colloquial language. Possible solution: Get some lessons for academic vocabulary in use.

Ultimately,

For the real test, when writing a conclusion for task 2, I always start with the words "In conclusion". There's no reason why you should learn any alternatives.

Your writing is good. However, this lacks task response, flow of the sentences, and vocabularies.
Possible solution: instead of writing, you'd better draft essays as many as possible. By this, you can examine essays more closely: what language style you will use, what the tone is, what the purpose is..., expository or argumentative essays?
sundin928 12 / 26 10  
Jul 27, 2014   #5
There are some negative impacts of this bad culture if there is no real action to reflate it. Firstly, it is highly likely that the the honor attitude to parents will be eradicated in the near future.

You need a sentence or two sentences to support this argument,such as a example.

Your essay with good grammar is very helpful for me !
Pahan 1 / 2,029 553  
Jul 27, 2014   #6
There are some negative impacts of this bad culture if there is no real action to reflate it.Inadequate respect for elders may have a negative impact on society. Firstly, it is highlyvery likely that the the honor attitude to parents will be eradicated in the near futurepeople would not respect their own parents too in the near future.Furthermore, the level of trust to others will be erased as the respect to elderly tends to loseThis would result in loosely connected family members which is not a healthy trend for the betterment of society.


Home / Writing Feedback / IELTS 2- insufficient respect is shown to older people