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TOEFL integrated task, altruism in humans and animals


AngelaB 7 / 14  
May 23, 2014   #1
Can you correct this essay and tell me if it is well-organized and if you understand everything I wrote?Thank you.

The article discusses a fascinating topic pertaining to altruism, a type of behaviour, which is considered the opposite of selfishness. While the reading passage gives examples of this behaviour in animals and in human beings, the professor discusses fundamental objections, which recent studies have shown.

First, the reading passage discusses how humans can be altruistic by sharing food with people who don't know or, for example, by donating body organs to someone. In contrast, the professor provides information that though this kind of behaviour is not rewarded with something material like money or gifts, it is valuable as well. In fact, the individual who acts in this way would be appreciated and approved from strangers and society. Clearly, a disparity exists between the article and the evidence exhibited by the professor. As a result, we can assume that human beings are not altruistic as they may seem.

Secondly, the article pushes forth the idea the animals can behave in an altruistic way as well. It gives the example of a group of meerkats, in which there is a sentinel who controls if a predator is coming and risks his own life for the survival of other members. However, the classroom discussion confirms that a sentinel can easily escape after seeing a predator and in actual fact members who are looking for food are in greater danger.

In summary, while the article says that animals and humans can sacrifice their own interest without gaining something, the reading passage supports that quite closely studies have undermined these beliefs, because of all the reasons mentioned above.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 23, 2014   #2
The article discusses a fascinating topicsome points pertaining to altruism, a type of behaviour, which is considered the opposite of selfishness

While the reading passage gives examples of this behaviour in animals and in human beings, the professor discusses fundamental objections, which recent studies have shown.

.... well, in the first paragraph (intro) of the Integrated Task, you need to introduce what the article discusses and what position the professor takes. Is he in agreement (asserts) or disagreement (refutes the points in the article).

Here's an approach I found in one of those websites;
INTRODUCTION
Start with a sentence like "The article and the lecture are about..." followed by "The author of the article feels that..." Continue with a transitional sentence like "The lecturer disagrees/agrees with the article." Conclude with "He says that..."

BODY PARAGRAPHS
Begin your first body paragraph with "First" your second with "second" and your third with "third."
When transitioning from discussing the article to discussing the lecture, use transitional phrases like "the lecturer challenges these claims by stating that..." or "the lecturer casts doubt on this claim." If the lecture supports the reading, try phrases like "the lecturer supports this claim by..." or "the lecturer reinforces the reading by..."

Don't use boring phrases like "he says that." Try something like "he observes that," "he claims that" or "he suggests that."
esmayli 2 / 5  
May 23, 2014   #3
It is a well-written essay, I liked it :)
Here are some comments:
Your intro par clearly introduces the topic, BUT it is not understood from this par "what exactly the passage had asserted." I guessed before reading the rest of the essay that it must have been: "Animals show altruistic behaviors." Am I write?

"As a result, we can assume that human beings are not altruistic as they may seem." Here it seems that YOU kind of agree with the lecture. So add: So, according to the lecturer, human beings are not altruistic as they may seem.

push forth?! Have u looked it up?
in actual fact; use: actually=indeed
Or to put extra emphasis: In fact, it is the members looking for food that are in a greater danger.
class confirms... confirm is not the right word choice. argues is better

without gaining something ---> without looking forward to gaining sth. / without expectation of gaining sth


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