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Integration Problems for People Living Aboard


yurikeyuri 43 / 61 2  
Nov 28, 2016   #1
The chart talks about the relation between many people living aboard and the problems which they have. Overview, the main feature of the problems consist of three factors which is sorting out finances, sorting out healthcare, and finding educational institution for their cildren which happen in people aged range. Also the finding school for their children is the less percentage of their problem.

Firstly, the sourting out finances factor always appear in over 25 percent which the highest percentage about 35 percent in range age of people is 35 - 54 years. However, the lowest percentage of this problem almost 30 percent in people over 55 years. The different between young aged and middle aged group of people by below 5 percent.

Secondly, the highest percentage of sourting out healthcare over 35 percent in people middle aged which the opposite said that the lowest percentage between 30 and 35 percent in people over 55 years. The different of this factor is not sharply which the different of value by below 5 percent or same with the different of first problem.

Thirdly, the finding school has smaller percentage of other problems before which it has the highest percentage approximately 20 percent in people aged 35 - 54 years and also it has the lowest percentage at below 5 percent in people age range over 55 years.

Dioba 68 / 104 7  
Nov 28, 2016   #2
Hi, there are several advice for you.
1.The chart(what type of chart; ex: bar chart,pie chart,etc)talks about the relation between many people living aboard and the problems which they have and is measured in percent

2. finding educational institution for their cildren(miss spelling) which happen in people aged range. Also the finding school for their children is the less percentage of their problem. ---> i think the percentage represents the percentage of people, not the percentage of their problem . Be careful if your overview out of topic.

3. ... finances factor always appearstood at in over 25 percent which ...
ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 783 309  
Nov 28, 2016   #3
Yurike, it is unfortunate that even though you write many times, your errors are still related to constructing appropriate sentences. If you keep writing like this, you can only get 5 in an actual test or even worse if your handwriting is difficult to read. Even though you are in a hurry due to time limitation, I suggest you to save at least 1-2 minutes to proofread your own essay, especially about spelling and grammatical problems. Misspelling "children" become "cildren" might not ruin the meaning and distract the clarity, but it is quite noticeable due to the place is in the introduction. Also, fragmented sentence (missing either subject or verb) like this "The differentdifference between young aged and middle aged group of people byis shown below 5 percent." should never be occurred if you want to reach band 6 or above.

However, you need to also avoid making mistake since the very first sentence of your essay. The first sentence of your essay should impress the examiner by writing a correct and appropriate sentence. I am not really sure where did you get that word but I have never seen any sample answers that mention "The chart talks about...". It seems quite odd when "a chart" can "talk" isn't it? There are many other words that are possible to be used instead of this one. Those are The chart shows/describes/presents/reveals/depicts/illustrates/many more.
mardian24 46 / 76  
Nov 28, 2016   #4
Hi, let me give some comments

1. Make sure that you have successfully uploaded the picture in this thread, so the reader can understand about your writing.

2. ... consist of three factors which isare sorting out ...
You mentioned about three problems, so you have to use plural verb.

3. ... which the highest percentage is about 35 percent ...
You need verb in that sentence, so I give 'is' for simple present form

Thank You
Keep Writing
Abrahamlincoln 54 / 59  
Dec 6, 2016   #5
Dear Yuri
Here, my revision toward your writing. I hope it will help in your next writing. Please focus on how to structure your sentence especially when it comes to nominal and verbal sentence.

INTRODUCTION: The chart illustrates the relationship between people who live in other countries and what problem can be occurred. It is noticeable that the predominant troubles are sorting out in finance, healthcare, and educational institution. it measured in varied ages.

for the next paragraph, I think you have written every well. but please write varied types of sentence. You could use the verbal and nominal sentence to show you have many types of option how to express your idea. In addition, you should check and recheck your sentence to avoid misspelling.


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