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International education; most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point


fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 4, 2015   #1
Topic = Doing further studies aboard has become increasingly common in recent decades. How might the advantages of studying in another country outweigh the disadvantages?

Answer =

International education is the most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point. For this reason, studying aboard is becoming more popular in recent years and thus to generate a great deal of discussion. Such a choice has produced a drawback for students as the language barrier can be a problem when they should be involved in local community. However, I strongly believe that more benefits can be reached by studying abroad if compared to the disadvantage as students who are determined to study abroad will meet internationally' recognized qualification. Moreover they also get opportunity to attend a prestigious university, and it can encourage them to be more expert in their fields.

The first positive effect is that qualifications reached from other countries can open the door to better job opportunities. Students who study abroad can definitely speak foreign language fluently. This is because they have already familiarized with such a language. Therefore, they can be easily to apply for vacancy in different countries as employers particularly from Multinational Companies are highly considered people who have different degrees compared to their original passport culture.

In addition, what people want by studying abroad is to attend a great university. People commonly want to attend the higher ranking university in the world, and it is usually in other countries. As an obvious example, Indonesian students can attend the 20 best universities in the world by going to Europe or the US. As a result they can be involved in prestigious students in the university. Moreover, they also can be more qualified in their fields if compared to students who tend to study locally inasmuch as students who study abroad can be taught by eminent university professors.

Nevertheless, a detrimental effect occurs from studying abroad when students should completely understand the foreign language which is conducted in lecturer activities. Students are more likely to get rudimentary grasp when they cannot follow the lecturer understandably. Consequently, they may define the situation as a terrible moment. Furthermore, they probably cannot complete the requirement to finish their study.

On balance, thus, I completely believe that student can get more advantages of studying in other countries rather than the advantage. This trend should be encouraged so that students who study abroad can continue enjoying the benefits of studying in international environment.

replikatika 4 / 5 1  
Feb 4, 2015   #2
Overall, you have a pretty good writing. I am okay with your skill in managing paragraphs. Finally, I cannot find any mistake in your writing, but 'small slips'.

As a result they can be involved in prestigious students in the university.

First of all, I reckon you forgot to put a comma here.

Therefore, they can be easily to apply for vacancy in different countries as employers particularly from Multinational Companies are highly considered people who have different degrees compared to their original passport culture.

Then, I think you don't need to use uppercase in "Multinational Companies". Also, we probably should pay more attention in complex sentences, since sometimes we unintentionally write a confusing sentence. Here, I think actually you mean "...multinational companies who considers more highly people holding a degree from a university outside their original passport culture."

thus, I completely believe that student can get more advantages of studying in other countries rather than the advantage. This trend should be encouraged so that students who study

Here, it is just about consistency of 'student' and 'students' in your whole writing. Thank you.
midorimido 2 / 7  
Feb 5, 2015   #3
Hi Muzakki, let me try to comment your writing.

International education is the most significant current project to process humanizing mankind to the point. For this reason, studying aboard is becoming more popular in recent years and thus to generate a great deal of discussion.

be careful, after thus must be subect+verb.

Such a choice has produced a drawback for students as the language barrier can be a problem when they should be involved in local community

I think, produced is not compatible with next sentence
OP fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 5, 2015   #4
Hi replikatika,
thank you very much for your correction. there are several responses for your suggestion.

FIRST COMMENT :

First of all, I reckon you forgot to put a comma here.

you are completely true, I forgot to put a comma after "as a result". Nevertheless, I have checked several sample answers which do not put a comma after the expression. So I think it is acceptable whereas I forgot to put it.

SECOND COMMENT :

Then, I think you don't need to use uppercase in "Multinational Companies".

Such a second comment is drawn to my attention dramatically when you broke my main sentence. I utterly agree with you that we should use complex sentence in our IELTS essay. However, if you change the sentence like your suggestion above, I am afraid that it will be inappropriate inasmuch as you do not have main sentence in your suggestion. Secondly, with a thousand of thanks I truly appreciate your comments and suggestions although you get the wrong end of the stick.

multinational companies who considers more highly people

. why you suggest me to put "who", "considers"? I am afraid that the role of subject & verb agreement has changed and I do not know about it. What's more, could you explain to me whether the rule of "adjective clause connector/subjects correctly" has changed or not as you have used "who" to connect thing (companies).

All in all, thank you very much for your suggestions and comments. I will evaluate my self based on your suggestions. if you have plenty of time please comment my other essays.
OP fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 6, 2015   #5
Hi replikatika, I got the mistake from the sentence that you comment. Therefore, I try to edit it.

how about this one?

Therefore, they can be easy to apply for vacancy in different countries as employers particularly from multinational companies are more likely to employ people who have different degrees compared to their original passport culture.
OP fadlanmuzakki 15 / 49 36  
Feb 6, 2015   #6
hi Midoremido,
thank you very much for your comment.
It presumably will be useful if you give reasons for your comments. Therefore, I have several responses for your comments.

First Comment :

be careful, after thus must be subject+verb.

I know what you mean. the formula is S+V thus S+V. However, I used "thus" in the sentence for the meaning "with this result". so I use this based on the example shown in cambridge learner dictionary. Here I put the screenshot below to let you know the meaning, and how to use it whereas you can correct me if I am wrong.

Second Comment :

I think, produced is not compatible with next sentence

why you argue that produced is not compatible?
do you mean it is not collocate? if yes, could you give me suggestion what verb which is collocate with the sentence

All in all, thank you very much for your comment, I hope it will improve my later writing.


  • This is what I mean (in the sample no 2)


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