Helow Friend :DD
Personally, i am not very keen about your second body. It is not well-organized in coherency. After noted British Columbia as the remarkable feature you move onto Alberta, suddenly.
This I tend to doA more detailed looked at the bar chart reveals that the overall features growth in number was not always similar. While the overall numbers of students graduating in Canada provinces enhances a slight rise towards following year, Alberta province shows the reverse.in the next sentence, adding detail data, numbers, maybe can propel your score.
A more detailed look at the number of graduated international students, this was obviously the most marked for pupils graduating in British Columbia. On the other hand, while most regions experienced a remarkable increasing over the period, Alberta which was the fourth highest position in 2001 faced a slight reduction between 2001 and 2006.
... The year mentioned in this body little bit confusing.
Then, I would like to remind you that you are not mentioned Quebec, Manitoba, Newfoundland & Labrador. If I am not mistaken, task responses in writing descriptor for band 7 more requires you to cover the requirement of the task, not just addresses the requirement of the task.
by the way...You seem to be carefully written this essay.
In the first body details,you had coherence of outlook and thought. Comparing the highest and lowest provinces numbers of province in two years measurement, that is good.