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IELTS Task 1: international students graduated in several canadian regions


andial 21 / 48 3  
Apr 9, 2014   #1
Hellooo frens, kindly need your comment ya

The graph below shows the percentage change in the number of international students graduating from universities in different Canadian provinces between 2001 and 2006.

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The given bar chart illustrates how many international students graduated from several universities in some Canadian regions during a period of five years, from 2001 to 2006.

Clearly, the number of international students in 2001 was consistently less than their counterparts in 2006 excluding in Alberta, even though there were significant distinctions among the provinces in both years.

At just under 12 percent in 2006 and approximately 7% in 2001, international graduates in New Brunswick were the highest, while the second highest percentage was happened in Nova Scotia. In the other side, students graduated in Ontario in 2001 and those graduated in Alberta in 2006 were the lowest level.

A more detailed look at the number of graduated international students, this was obviously the most marked for pupils graduating in British Columbia. On the other hand, while most regions experienced a remarkable increasing over the period, Alberta which was the fourth highest position in 2001 faced a slight reduction between 2001 and 2006.





Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Apr 9, 2014   #2
The given bar chart illustrates how many international students graduated from several universities in someeight different Canadian regions during a period of five years, from 2001 to 2006.

This is a good introduction :)
ClearlyOverall, the number of international students in 2001 was consistently less than their counterpartsthe number of students in 2006 in all regions except forexcluding in Alberta, even though there were significant distinctions among the provinces in both years.
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Apr 9, 2014   #3
Helow Friend :DD
Personally, i am not very keen about your second body. It is not well-organized in coherency. After noted British Columbia as the remarkable feature you move onto Alberta, suddenly.

This I tend to do
A more detailed looked at the bar chart reveals that the overall features growth in number was not always similar. While the overall numbers of students graduating in Canada provinces enhances a slight rise towards following year, Alberta province shows the reverse.in the next sentence, adding detail data, numbers, maybe can propel your score.

A more detailed look at the number of graduated international students, this was obviously the most marked for pupils graduating in British Columbia. On the other hand, while most regions experienced a remarkable increasing over the period, Alberta which was the fourth highest position in 2001 faced a slight reduction between 2001 and 2006.

... The year mentioned in this body little bit confusing.
Then, I would like to remind you that you are not mentioned Quebec, Manitoba, Newfoundland & Labrador. If I am not mistaken, task responses in writing descriptor for band 7 more requires you to cover the requirement of the task, not just addresses the requirement of the task.

by the way...You seem to be carefully written this essay.
In the first body details,you had coherence of outlook and thought. Comparing the highest and lowest provinces numbers of province in two years measurement, that is good.
OP andial 21 / 48 3  
Apr 9, 2014   #4
The given bar chart illustrates how many international students graduated from several universities in some eight different Canadian regions during a period of five years, from 2001 to 2006.
This is a good introduction :)
Clearly Overall, the number of international students in 2001 was consistently less than their counterparts the number of students in 2006 in all regions except for excluding in Alberta, even though there were significant distinctions among the provinces in both years.

Pahan... Thanks a lot for your comment. Because you suggest that using "overall" as a first word of our overview, I would be glad if you could let me know whether using attitude adverbial such as "clearly" is not preferable for this kind of essay ?

I would like to have your further explanation based on your personal point of view
OP andial 21 / 48 3  
Apr 9, 2014   #5
A more detailed looked at the bar chart reveals that the overall features growth in number was not always similar. While the overall numbers of students graduating in Canada provinces enhances a slight rise towards following year, Alberta province shows the reverse.in the next sentence, adding detail data, numbers, maybe can propel your score.

SHanafi.. Thank you so much for your comment and suggestion. It has been very helpful.

... The year mentioned in this body little bit confusing.
Then, I would like to remind you that you are not mentioned Quebec, Manitoba, Newfoundland & Labrador. If I am not mistaken, task responses in writing descriptor for band 7 more requires you to cover the requirement of the task, not just addresses the requirement of the task.

I am so sorry to make you so.. :-) I did not intend to make you confuse..

Actually, I am trying to improve my writing by avoiding listing on the body and make some comparisons.. but It seems I have not been succesful yet knowing I make reader confuse
SHanafi 120 / 415 93  
Apr 9, 2014   #6
I am trying to improve my writing by avoiding listing and make comparison

... yeahhhh!! I think you get an insight, cheers..:D
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Apr 9, 2014   #7
Pahan... Thanks a lot for your comment. Because you suggest that using "overall" as a first word of our overview, I would be glad if you could let me know whether using attitude adverbial such as "clearly" is not preferable for this kind of essay ?

I too prefer the word "overall" to "clearly". The reason is that this is a report writing task and therefore the word "overall" compliment that reporting tone more than "clearly" does. I am sure Pahan also would have held a similar view. However, the word "clearly" is also acceptable, yet "overall" sounds better. We always try to help you with the best option ....LOL :D
OP andial 21 / 48 3  
Apr 9, 2014   #8
Hi dumi,

I finally understood. :-) thanks a lot for this

dumi, i would like to have your comment on the body as well. :-)
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
May 9, 2014   #9
Single graphs
Introduction: Here you should state what the graph shows
short body paragraph: state the most important piece of information here (summary/overview)
main body paragraphs: Here you need to make comparisons and state the important features of the graphs (usually 2 paragraphs)
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
May 10, 2014   #10
Hi dumi,
I finally understood. :-) thanks a lot for this
dumi, i would like to have your comment on the body as well. :-)

.... Well, let's see;

At just under 12 percent in 2006 and approximately 7% in 2001, international graduates in New Brunswick were the highest, while the second highest percentage washappened indid happen with Nova Scotia. I

... This is fine. However, I like if you presented it more clearly. You've got to be more careful in the detail paras because they contain lots and lots of figures. The reader needs to memorize them too much if you lengthen your sentences and combine lots of details into one. You need to present details here, yet you need to keep the reader on your side by helping him conceive all what you say :D

You write very well and have done a good job with this task :)


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